My Epiphany

In the mornings when I start to become really anxious because of what I know I have to face later in the day, I do what best calms me – listen to BTS. In fact, I have a playlist titled “Comfort,” and on this playlist is Jin’s demo version of “Ephiphany.” This is probably my favorite song these days. This morning, as I listen to this song, I wondered what the full version’s lyrics say, so I looked it up. And, as is usually the case with music, those songs that resonate the most are the ones that my soul is feeling at that point of time. (I wrote an essay about it in grad school… how music is one way my angels and guides talk to me and direct me. Maybe I’ll share it someday.)

This week is the beginning of my last week at my job; a job that has negatively affected me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Given that I began to fall into an existential blackhole even before I started this job, I think that no amount of positive thinking (or anything) could have helped me get through this existential crisis without completing getting sucked into or destroyed by my blackhole. So why did I stay at a low-paying job for this long, for too long? Well I, maybe foolishly, get attached to people and places and strive to do my best for them.

So weird, I for sure loved you so much
Adapted to you with everything, I wanted to live my life for you
But as I keep doing that I just can’t bear the storm inside my heart
The real myself inside the smiling mask, I reveal it entirely

This first verse Kim Seok-Jin sings … perhaps this is the way of empaths or intuitives or creatives (or, all of the above). When I was a photographer, I knew that my best portraits happened during the photoshoots when I had enough time to get to know my subject and, during the photoshoot, fall in love with them. Truly fall in love with them because in their eyes, in their smiles, I saw their souls call to me, and my soul answered.

But, do you know that it’s so easy to get lost in someone so completely that you lose your self? Luckily (and, I am truly blessed in this way), I have loved ones who love me so completely that they can help me “come to my senses” … to remember my Self …

After patiently waiting for me to try to do it on my own for years, my beloved sister finally gave me some tough love (tough because her harshness made her cry) to remind me that I am just as precious as others. My needs, my health should be as valuable to myself as others’ are to me.

I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love

I’m shaking and afraid but I keep going forward
I’m meeting the real you, hidden in the storm
Why did I want to hide my precious self like this?
What was I so afraid of?
Why did I hide my true self?

My sister would tell you (and often reminds me) that I’m not good with change. I like to sit in the comfort of where I’ve arrived. So, I’m quite nervous about the choice I made to quit my retail job during its busiest season (thereby letting my team down) and without another job already lined up (which means I’ll be pinching pennies). But, lack of change and lack of desire for change is also lack of growth, which is stagnation. For me, this manifests as dis-ease in my body (like a putrid pond) and, maybe more importantly, my mind.

I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things
I may not have that shy glow around me
But this is me
My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul

So, with the support of those closest to me, I can make these decisions and choices with full belief, trust, and faith in myself – to let go of those that no longer serve me and hold on, instead, to loving mySelf knowing that (in the words of another BTS member) “you are I, I am you.” So that, in completely loving myself, I will also be completely loving you.

I wanna love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love

And, by the way, blackholes not only destroy stars, they also bring new stars to life.

Together, Bam!

Together, Bam!

Since becoming an ARMY (fan of BTS), I’ve been diving deep into their music, their histories and current affairs, the fandom, and the anti-fandom. For that last item, there’s always a dark side to everything, which I may explore in a later post. Never having been a true fan (from the word “fanatic”) before, I find one of things I’ve been doing is creating stories in my mind of interacting with the members. It seems like it would be a teenager’s habit, but we’re all still young in our own minds regardless of our physical ages.

These mind-movies/fantasies/daydream (or whatever you wanna call them) are one way our minds create and become inspired – something I’ve been re-discovering lately. Whether the mind-movie is happy or sad or a comedy, the mind creates a possibility within a story that is all our own. I’ve found that it can be negative or harmful in that we can become delusional with our mind-stories, especially if they’re brought into the “real” world, as a sasaeng fan might do. (You can Google that.) Or, as I’ve seen many talented ARMY do with fan-fic and fan-art, use the mind-movie to create out of inspiration and, maybe, desire.

I am inherently emo. So, my mind-movie gets stupid sad. Like, Asian drama sad. I’m not gonna justify myself here ‘cuz it is what it is, and it’s a part of me I’m learning to accept rather than criticize. Part of that process is me putting my stuff out there – positive and negative – as I’ve been intending with this blog. That includes not only what inspires me but what, also, is birthed through that inspiration. And since I consume hours and hours of BTS-related content daily, my recent mind-movies and inspirations come from content from and of them. Anyway, here is me “putting my stuff out there,” which is, again, “inherently emo.” It’s something that came to mind and heart after watching hours of a YouTube shipper channel. (Again, you can Google that terminology.) It’s the first poem I’ve written since this pandemic began. It’s a start and a step back into my creative Self, my creative world.

Together, Bam!

I wanted a break
so we could grow
But I didn’t know
I didn’t know

The freedom from you
would be freedom for you

We needed to heal
You gained freedom to feel
things without me
And so you grew

We both reached for the sky
But you went left
While I went right

A temporary divide
would bring us beside
each other again

Or so I thought

But I didn’t know
I didn’t know
The break I desired
Broke your heart

And the healing you’d find
And the freedom I sought
was not what I thought
I needed

And now I want
What I had with you

But I do not know
I do not know
If we can grow

Together
Again

3 July 2022

To Everything there is a Season

… and a time to every purpose, under Heaven.

Today, I went for a walk. And, there was a very specific purpose for that walk. I walked to a place that is sacred to me, a place where I have, in the past, been able to reflect and find peace during times in my life when I was in inner turmoil. This time was no different. But instead of just sitting there to think and, perhaps, to journal, I needed to bury something; to physically, symbolically cut ties with a certain person who has appeared on this blog numerous times.

Without going into too much detail, I created a little ceremony for myself in order to sever a connection with “Milo” (whom I’ve written of in the past). I took heart-shaped pieces of paper and, on each one, wrote our names and the names of those I feel he and I have been in shared past lives. I tore each piece in two so that the two names would no longer be connected then burned the pile of torn paper while giving thanks to God/dess for the lessons, the love and the connection we have shared and praying for more beneficial relationships in the future that will also lead me to more lessons, love and connection. It was the ashes of the paper I needed to bury to complete my “ceremony.”

As I walked over the footbridge that crossed the lake on my hike in order to get to my sacred place, I remembered the last time I’d walked that path with Milo in mind. At the time, the lake was full, teeming with fish. And, as I looked over it, I saw the ripples in the water and composed a poem:

Karma

What effect has my one pebble
when compared to the ripples made by the wind?

Is God’s hand not greater than mine,
large enough to diminish my careless toss?

waves abound,
made by the stirrings of many

So why does my hand hesitate
to cast my stone far and wide?

Why not make my fleeting mark
upon the vastness of this little lake?

(Frances Marie Reilly – 5.21.10)

Four years later, and I finally felt the change I needed within me. And, as I walked, a heron flew towards me, then stopped at a rock and seemed to point, with its beak, the direction of my path. (Why do I mention this? Google “animal spirits meaning heron”.)

At my special spot, I sat on a rock, closed my eyes and felt the wind, listened to the birds and creek while I prayed for completion, for closure and openness. I gave gratitude for the love, the patience of the Universe (as I felt I’ve lived through this cycle and have had to learn these lessons repeatedly, over eons), and the God-given strength I knew to exist within me. I meditated, listened and felt the energy of the Earth, of the Sky and the Wind, then drank Water to cleanse. Nobody’s ritual but my own, I knew, in my core, this was all necessary. Lastly, I dug a hole near some daisy-like flowers (so fitting, because I have always associated that flower with Milo), and as I filled it, again gave gratitude and put into it the intention of closure, change and growth.

As I walked back from whence I came, I reflected on the lightness I felt in my core. I realized that I was doing something I LOVE. I love to hike. This was a significant realization for me because it was the very thing I have been agonizing over for at least two years. In trying to decide on a career path, the question of “what do you love to do?” often arises, and, to my dismay, I have thought “I don’t really love to do anything.” I have been in a dark place of sadness thinking that I truly felt I had no passions in my life and that, somehow, that made me a lesser person. And, because of this, I would never “make my fleeting mark upon the vastness of this little lake.” But, here I was… just having completed a symbolic act, and at that moment, the sense of lack, of lowered self-worth lifted in some strange way. All because I realized that I love love love walking in nature.

Almost to my car, I stopped to watch a hummingbird, which seemed to stop to watch me. Google “hummingbird spirit animal,” and you’ll find “The hummingbird spirit animal symbolizes the enjoyment of life and lightness of being.” I also love that “this fascinating bird is capable of the most amazing feats despite its small size…” because I’m 4’10”!!

Can you feel my joy through this post?! In one short walk, I managed to let go a Love that no longer served me (a very difficult thing to do indeed), to reclaim that part of my heart so that, with a whole heart, I am open to new Love, to new experiences and lessons. I remembered my powerful Self – that through intention and ceremony (and maybe a bit of magic), I reclaimed, or just recognized, my inner strength and felt my Light and knew Passion.

It is so hard, in one blog post, to really convey everything I took away from my hike. The symbolism of the two animal totems – the heron and the hummingbird – are even more significant if I could tell you my whole story, my life in the present and the truly difficult, but necessary, situation I deal with daily. But, really, we all have those challenges in our lives. We all have the times we can’t figure out who we are, where we need to be, what we need to do. We all have things we need to let go, whether it’s stuff or, with more difficulty, people. And all these things wear us down, day after day, and its challenging to keep the darkness at bay (some times, we don’t even know it’s there) and remain positive through it all.

But, look at what I remembered. We are, each of us, so very strong inside. We were born that way, born with the strength to accept and live through the challenges and lesson Life gives us, and made even stronger by meeting those challenges which, with lessons learned, increase the Light within.

This time that is upon us now is a good time, a good season. I, for one, am looking forward to the new challenges ahead and finding my passions and my strength, my light. For, it is my time, my season, as it is … yours.

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late

It’s Always Better When We’re Together

It’s been sort of a dramatic two days, full of emotion of my part – first, with the elections last night then, this afternoon, on a phone call regarding a friend’s love life. What have I gotten out of the ups and downs of my last two days? Simply this …

Every thing should be easy!

No… really… I mean it. I wonder, at times, why there is so much strife in the world. I understand that, as humans, we value that for which we fight and have to take a stand and pour our hearts into. But, really, must we have to fight for everything? And, by that, I mean — aren’t there things that should just be no-brainers? Things that should just come easily, with no dissension, no animosity or hard-feelings; things that just are or become because they’re right.

Prop 37 in California, for instance, is something that you’d think would have passed easily. You would think that people would want to know what’s in their food and would want to be informed and have the ability to choose. I don’t care if you put GMOs in my food. But, I want to know — darned it! — so I can choose to eat it or not it. It’s really pretty simple. Why did it have to come down to a fight against the big companies for them to do the right thing?

Then, there’s Love (romantic love, friendship love, whatever love). If two people love each other, and they have the time to be together (and WANT to be together), why can’t they just have a relationship? It can be for this moment, or this day or week, year, the rest of their lives….
Why does so much thought have to go into whether or not we ought to have a relationship with this person or that? Beyond maybe social and moral limitations, why can’t two people who enjoy being together just… BE together?

I think our brains get in the way. We start thinking about the all the possible negatives so we hesitate.

I also think, though, that if we come together to remind each other of the good in everything and everyone, there can be a positive (and quick) change in this world. If we stand together in love and harmony (sounds like a Coke song), the fears and the doubts will dissipate. Without all that fear and with support, understanding and hope for each other, I think life would be easier. Life would be better.

“Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together”

Better Together – Jack Johnson

I Won’t Give Up on Us

“… even if the skies get rough..”  — Jason Mraz

In the last year or more, the theme of things ending has been re-occurring…  the end of relationships, the end of the world, the of end times…

I know a group of people who are preparing for the apocalypse (or, at least that’s what it seems like they’re doing); making sure they have stockpiles of food, know how to defend themselves when anarchy hits, have everything they need in the event society breaks down. I guess this is an extreme form of emergency preparedness. I find it, though practical, to be a bit sad.

I must be the kind of person who has unconditional HOPE … “to expect with confidence,” as defined by Merriem-Webster. I expect that society will progress to become more civilized, not less. And, I am confident that, despite the many setbacks (and crazy proposals the Republican party currently seems to espouse — yes, I went there.. to the political) our society continually seems to undergo, we will.. as a community, as a nation, as a civilization.. grow.

“I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make…”

I know a man who should be Lightworker. (Well, I guess we are all lightworkers according to Lightworkers.org .)  He believes, like the group mentioned above, that there is Darkness on the horizon; that our society is in a spiritual war, and the dark is winning, at the moment. I agree with him … I agree there has been a spiritual, energy war happening, but I believe that the Light is winning. I can feel it in my bones, in my dreams and in my very Being.

But, I might just be the kind of person who has unconditional FAITH … in God/Goddess, the Universe, whatever you wanna call it, that all is happening as it should and all will be right in this world. Merriem-Webster’s definition is: “something that is believed especially with strong conviction;  belief and trust in and loyalty to God.” It also considers the word “trust” synonymous with “hope,” with the additional qualifer of “dependence on something future.” Yes… I completely depend on the future turning out wonderfully. I insist upon it. I completely believe and trust everything, everyone will become amazing.  I am looking forward to it. And, I will do my part to ensure that it happens by spreading my joy, my light, as much as I can to all around me.

“Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake…”

This same man I just mentioned also happen to be my Twin Soul (aka, twin flame, something a bit more than just a soulmate). Because of many misunderstandings, he and I cannot be friends at this time. It makes me sad, but it is where we both need to be at this time. And, the very concept of having a Twin says that he and I are learning, growing, progressing in the same direction, together (even while we’re physically apart). That, alone, is exciting. But since we have this awkwardness, and strange energy, between us, a few of  my friends have suggested I give up on him, forget him.

But, I know I am absolutely the kind of person who can LOVE unconditionally … no strings, no expectations, no desire for benefit…  just… Love.

“unconditional: not conditional or limited (M-W.com)”  There is no limit to what I feel for this man, as there is no limit for my love for my son, my family and my friends. I will be there for him, for them, when they need me. There is also no limit on how much I will keep my Hope and Trust that our world and humanity will rise to what it is meant to become — the very best. I will not, cannot, stop loving and showing love no matter how dark and scary and depressing things seem, with either my Twin or the world or what have you. Because..  as I have learned.. this is simply who I am.

“And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough, he knows (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up”

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I have died everyday waiting for you

“…Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
for a thousand years
I will love you for a thousand more.”
—Christina Perri

Last night I saw my “soul friend” (I’ll call him “Milo”) for the first time again in a year. There was no hug, no hello, no good-bye. And, he tried his very best not to talk to me, though we were seated half a table away from each other. Just the thought of it now makes me sad. Last April, he’d made the very difficult decision to stop talking to me. He thought our friendship was hurting everyone around us. The only time he broke his silence was to reprimand me for gossiping, or so he thought it was me feeding his girlfriend (ex, at this point) lies about the two of us. It was causing her hurt. Never mind the pain it caused me to be accused of something like that…

Two weeks ago, I had sent him a final email telling him that I will love him for the rest of my life; that, whenever he feels lonely, he only needs to remember that there’s someone out there (here) who carries love for him and sends it to him, energetically, daily. Two weeks ago, I had “abnormal cells” that might have been pre-cancerous. Last week, after surgery to cut out those cells and knowing I had done everything to I could to complete my karma with Milo, I erased his number from my cell and archived the hundreds of emails. I think both the surgery and my actions were physical ways to wipe the slate clean.

“…How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall..”

Last night, as I was sitting at that dinner table, trying to assess my feelings and still give off positive feelings to my friends and son around me, I got a sad text from my sister. She had just had a very difficult conversation with the man she had just started dating and who she obviously (to me) had already fallen in love with. Turns out he decided he doesn’t want children. And, my sister has been trying to have a child (even before she met him). His feeling is that they do not continue the relationship because it would prevent more pain in the future. If she succeeds in getting pregnant, that would be the deal breaker for him and… what if… what if he, and she, are more attached at that point. There would be a lot of pain.

Why are we all so afraid?

Last night, I made a conscious decision to go to that dinner. I did not want to skip out on spending time with my friends (and all-you-can-eat bulgogi) because I was afraid of my reactions and being around one of the guests. If, at the last moment, it didn’t feel right to me, then fine… I would have left. But, I did not want Fear to make my decision for me ahead of time.

Why would this man my sister is seeing make a decision to cut short their possibility for happiness now because he’s afraid they may both be hurt later on? It is already inevitable. We hurt those we love, we are hurt by those we love… sometimes, there’s a happy ending, sometimes the ending sucks. But, in between it all, there is that wonderous, beautiful time. And, that love may still exist afterwards. What’s so bad about knowing that someone loves you, and you return that love, even if you cannot be together?

Does it take the possibility of having cancer for people to value the time they have? Life is so short. Tomorrow, I may… well, I may not have a tomorrow.  So, let me love you for today, for this moment.

“…Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer…

I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling don’t be afraid
I have loved you
for a thousand years
I’ll love for a thousand more.”

A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss

“How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone ?” — Bob Dylan

My new year starts in mid-December, on my birthday… my new year of life. For most everyone else, it started two days ago, on the 1st of January. Everyone is excited about all the new possibilities, leaving any difficulties and failures behind.. a new year, a new life, new opportunities…

I made my resolutions and started living them. I figured out my motivating words for the year: dogged determination and discipline. I was, and am, totally excited about what 2012 will bring, not only for myself, but for our society as a whole (I mean…gosh.. I subscribe to the “new age” understanding that this year will be one of raised energies, etc.).

Then yesterday morning, I had an interesting dream. I dreamt of my late husband, something that only happens when something really sad is about to happen. We were walking hand-in-hand when I had a overwhelming feeling. I beckoned to him to come closer then, very hesitantly, whispered, “I love you.” It felt like I didn’t really want him to know it or that I didn’t want to admit it. He said, “I love you, too” which was nice, but I thought, “I don’t want him to say this just because I did.”

What an odd dream. In my half-awake state, I tried to figure it out because… it was my husband, and of course I loved him. Why the hesitation? At this point, my phone beeped with a text message, but I decided to ignore it and go back to sleep and back into my dream.

It was my neighbor texting me. She had found my cat’s collar and… tail.
This cat adopted me, and my patio, as her family and home. She’s a feral cat, a survivor living in our complex for years, from a kitten. She lived on our patio, and I fed her, for at least a year before I got attached. For over a year, I refused to acknowledge her as “my cat” (even though I named her), telling neighbors she was a stray. Refused to buy things for her, had her eating out of a broken Tupperware. My neighbor bought her a bed, a little house, blankets, a dish… I jokingly said she was my neighbor’s cat living on my patio.

Well, I got really attached to that darned beautiful, black cat with the expressive yellow eyes. I said she was a perfect witch’s cat. I don’t like cats. I’m a dog person. But Micah (My-Cat) wanted attention like a dog. She met me at my car when I drove up and walked me to it when I left. She walked me to the mailboxes (a block and a half away) when I got the mail. She “conversed” with me through my screen door, asking for company, for love. And, I gave it to her. I begrudgingly (at first) gave her love. After all, every living thing, no matter its circumstance, needs love.

What kind of way is this to start a new year? How cruel that she should die (and horribly, at that, taken by a coyote) just when we finally acknowledge her as a part of our family and acknowledged our love for her? But, I guess, more importantly, the question is not ‘why did she die’ but ‘what lessons am I to take from her life, from having her in my life and knowing her’?

There are always so many lessons to take from a death:
– practice non-attachment
– live each day as if it were your last
– cherish every moment you have with your loved ones
…
other lessons I took from knowing Micah?
Keep an open heart so that love can enter it, in whatever form.
No regrets. I cannot think “I should’ve let her live inside” because she was a free spirit, and I had to honor that.
and, That Spirit (Micah’s and John’s, my late husband) is with us, part of us, always.

I know that, as I go through my grieving process (I’m crying as I write this), I will find more lessons… right now, I’m just grateful.. for the opportunity to give that beautiful kitty a better life than she would’ve otherwise had. I’m grateful that the little wild thing let me love her. I’m grateful for the past year Micah was in our lives.

I guess it’s great and all to look forward to new opportunities ahead. But, it’s just as important to look behind, with lots of gratitude and understanding of lessons learned.

Here’s to you Micah … wherever you are (kitty heaven?).
And, here’s to the rest of you out there.. that, whatever 2012 brings you, you will always find the goodness and the love in every experience and relationship the year brings.