In the mornings when I start to become really anxious because of what I know I have to face later in the day, I do what best calms me – listen to BTS. In fact, I have a playlist titled “Comfort,” and on this playlist is Jin’s demo version of “Ephiphany.” This is probably my favorite song these days. This morning, as I listen to this song, I wondered what the full version’s lyrics say, so I looked it up. And, as is usually the case with music, those songs that resonate the most are the ones that my soul is feeling at that point of time. (I wrote an essay about it in grad school… how music is one way my angels and guides talk to me and direct me. Maybe I’ll share it someday.)
This week is the beginning of my last week at my job; a job that has negatively affected me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Given that I began to fall into an existential blackhole even before I started this job, I think that no amount of positive thinking (or anything) could have helped me get through this existential crisis without completing getting sucked into or destroyed by my blackhole. So why did I stay at a low-paying job for this long, for too long? Well I, maybe foolishly, get attached to people and places and strive to do my best for them.
So weird, I for sure loved you so much
Adapted to you with everything, I wanted to live my life for you
But as I keep doing that I just can’t bear the storm inside my heart
The real myself inside the smiling mask, I reveal it entirely
This first verse Kim Seok-Jin sings … perhaps this is the way of empaths or intuitives or creatives (or, all of the above). When I was a photographer, I knew that my best portraits happened during the photoshoots when I had enough time to get to know my subject and, during the photoshoot, fall in love with them. Truly fall in love with them because in their eyes, in their smiles, I saw their souls call to me, and my soul answered.
But, do you know that it’s so easy to get lost in someone so completely that you lose your self? Luckily (and, I am truly blessed in this way), I have loved ones who love me so completely that they can help me “come to my senses” … to remember my Self …
After patiently waiting for me to try to do it on my own for years, my beloved sister finally gave me some tough love (tough because her harshness made her cry) to remind me that I am just as precious as others. My needs, my health should be as valuable to myself as others’ are to me.
I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love
My sister would tell you (and often reminds me) that I’m not good with change. I like to sit in the comfort of where I’ve arrived. So, I’m quite nervous about the choice I made to quit my retail job during its busiest season (thereby letting my team down) and without another job already lined up (which means I’ll be pinching pennies). But, lack of change and lack of desire for change is also lack of growth, which is stagnation. For me, this manifests as dis-ease in my body (like a putrid pond) and, maybe more importantly, my mind.
I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things
I may not have that shy glow around me
But this is me
My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul
So, with the support of those closest to me, I can make these decisions and choices with full belief, trust, and faith in myself – to let go of those that no longer serve me and hold on, instead, to loving mySelf knowing that (in the words of another BTS member) “you are I, I am you.” So that, in completely loving myself, I will also be completely loving you.
I wanna love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love
And, by the way, blackholes not only destroy stars, they also bring new stars to life.
Falling Upwards 