My Epiphany

In the mornings when I start to become really anxious because of what I know I have to face later in the day, I do what best calms me – listen to BTS. In fact, I have a playlist titled “Comfort,” and on this playlist is Jin’s demo version of “Ephiphany.” This is probably my favorite song these days. This morning, as I listen to this song, I wondered what the full version’s lyrics say, so I looked it up. And, as is usually the case with music, those songs that resonate the most are the ones that my soul is feeling at that point of time. (I wrote an essay about it in grad school… how music is one way my angels and guides talk to me and direct me. Maybe I’ll share it someday.)

This week is the beginning of my last week at my job; a job that has negatively affected me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Given that I began to fall into an existential blackhole even before I started this job, I think that no amount of positive thinking (or anything) could have helped me get through this existential crisis without completing getting sucked into or destroyed by my blackhole. So why did I stay at a low-paying job for this long, for too long? Well I, maybe foolishly, get attached to people and places and strive to do my best for them.

So weird, I for sure loved you so much
Adapted to you with everything, I wanted to live my life for you
But as I keep doing that I just can’t bear the storm inside my heart
The real myself inside the smiling mask, I reveal it entirely

This first verse Kim Seok-Jin sings … perhaps this is the way of empaths or intuitives or creatives (or, all of the above). When I was a photographer, I knew that my best portraits happened during the photoshoots when I had enough time to get to know my subject and, during the photoshoot, fall in love with them. Truly fall in love with them because in their eyes, in their smiles, I saw their souls call to me, and my soul answered.

But, do you know that it’s so easy to get lost in someone so completely that you lose your self? Luckily (and, I am truly blessed in this way), I have loved ones who love me so completely that they can help me “come to my senses” … to remember my Self …

After patiently waiting for me to try to do it on my own for years, my beloved sister finally gave me some tough love (tough because her harshness made her cry) to remind me that I am just as precious as others. My needs, my health should be as valuable to myself as others’ are to me.

I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love

I’m shaking and afraid but I keep going forward
I’m meeting the real you, hidden in the storm
Why did I want to hide my precious self like this?
What was I so afraid of?
Why did I hide my true self?

My sister would tell you (and often reminds me) that I’m not good with change. I like to sit in the comfort of where I’ve arrived. So, I’m quite nervous about the choice I made to quit my retail job during its busiest season (thereby letting my team down) and without another job already lined up (which means I’ll be pinching pennies). But, lack of change and lack of desire for change is also lack of growth, which is stagnation. For me, this manifests as dis-ease in my body (like a putrid pond) and, maybe more importantly, my mind.

I may be a bit blunt, I may lack some things
I may not have that shy glow around me
But this is me
My arms, my legs, my heart, my soul

So, with the support of those closest to me, I can make these decisions and choices with full belief, trust, and faith in myself – to let go of those that no longer serve me and hold on, instead, to loving mySelf knowing that (in the words of another BTS member) “you are I, I am you.” So that, in completely loving myself, I will also be completely loving you.

I wanna love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love

And, by the way, blackholes not only destroy stars, they also bring new stars to life.

I Wanna Be Rich, I Wanna Be King, I Wanna Go Win, I Wanna Be …

As I enter my 54^th year (Asian age; I just turned 53 international age), I reflect on those dreams and desires I had in my 20s and teens. What person doesn’t dream that they’ll, someday, be a famous entertainer or scientist or be the CEO of a large conglomerate? Our dreams are lofty.

Over time and after the experiences and challenges of life, those dreams may turn to ones of quiet rest and retirement, when we can enjoy simpler things. Yet we don’t cease to hope for and dream of a luxurious life. The number of lotto tickets sold at my store should be some indicator of that.

This morning, I recall a conversation with a young man at my store last night. He was buying laundry supplies for his mom whose side hustle is as a laundress. She splits her earnings with her kids when they help out. He also works at the local pizzeria. I reflect on my many blessing this morning. Never out of need have I had to work so hard. Yes my current job is as a glorified cashier, and it’s back-breaking (or in my case, neck-straining) hard work, but I do it because it’s “easy.” I would have to get out of my comfort zone, after all, to find a “better” job. And, I hate hate hate interviewing. If I didn’t work, I think I’d be okay for a while. I certainly will never go hungry or homeless. I am truly, truly blessed. And thank goodness! Because it is, and always has been, fear that holds me in place.

            (Hangul and Romanisation lyrics shown in the following video)

Ooh, I wondered everyday how far I’d go
I came to my senses and I find myself here
Yeah, hmm, shadow at my feet
Look down, it’s gotten even bigger
I run but the shadow follows, as dark as the light’s intenseI’m afraid, flying high is terrifying

And now, more than a half century has passed. And I daily listen to seven young men who work tirelessly to create, produce, and generously give back to and for their fans. I imagine (and it is absolutely an assumption because who can know their motivation?) a large part of their actions is propelled by the thought that their time is limited. How long can idols last physically? Ten years is a long time to put your body through what they do. Recently their efforts are expanding beyond entertainment (perhaps to pave way for longer-term careers?) Yet, a couple things have been consistent – their gratitude to their fandom and supporters and that they return those blessings.

So here I sit in leisurely comfort before I go to my (very easy) job, and I contemplate my many blessings. Though I have, throughout my lifetime, considered myself blessed, perhaps I haven’t considered enough how to pass on those blessings to others.

And, here, my thoughts take a turn to Christmas gift-giving. We don’t do it. It stresses me and my son out. It’s a materially oriented practice that we try to avoid. But now I’m wondering if it is more deep-seated than that. For, at its core, gift-giving is the practice of passing on your blessings. The energy of that is rooted in love and caring. And, that is what I’d like to practice this 54^th year. And not necessarily in stuff, but through my own God/dess-given gifts. Hmmm…

Side note: Suga’s rap and lyrics are probably totally different from how I use them here. It is the English part of his song, and the music itself, that make me stop and think of things in my own life. He, of course, raps about his own journey. Each of BTS’ song inspire me in different ways in different times. This blog post started off completely differently a few months ago. But, I was an almost different person then, with different considerations. And now, these are my thoughts – how to repay and honor my blessings like my idols pass on theirs through serving as ambassadors, their free songs, and interaction with ARMY. Those are their gifts that they can spread to others. What are my gifts and what can I give?

Yeah I’m you, you are me, now do you know
Yeah you are me, I’m you, now you do know
We are one body, sometimes we will clash
You can never break me off, this you must know
Yeah yeah can’t break me off, whatever you do
Yeah you’ll be at ease if you admit it too
Yeah succeed or fail, whichever way you flow
Yeah you can’t escape, wherever you go

Caught in a Lie

So, I was gonna write about my joining BTS ARMY in the order of the songs that impacted me. But, I’m watching and listening to Jimin’s “Lie” this morning and recall the emotions that went along with the first time I heard it.

Well, since I can’t understand but maybe four words of Korean, naturally it’s the music that drew me in. From the first time I heard it, something about it was so inconceivably heart-wrenching, I almost had to stop. You know the feeling, right?

There’s that feeling in your chest you don’t understand – where it comes from and why it’s there – slightly uncomfortable and indescribable. And, it’s a feeling that threatens to move up your throat, you can almost taste it. And, if you’re not very, very careful, it will turn into a choke or, god forbid, a sob. And, if it does that, you’re lost. You will be deep in that emotion, and your brain will be empty and upset.

But, … listen to the music. Something about it permits you to have that feeling. It allows you to fall into that sadness because it understands. Maybe Jimin (the BTS member who sings it) understands. Maybe he feels it, too, or has been in that internal space with you.

What was this “lie” he sings of? Then, I watched a video . . .

(Turn on closed captions)

Beautiful, heartthrob visuals aside, when I read the lyrics (closed captioned conversion to English), my heart decide to rest in my throat. I was already drawn to the English sentence in the song, “caught in a lie,” as it spoke to something in my subconscious.

Perhaps it is because of this pandemic that I have felt a strong disconnect to the life I’m living and the person I have always imagined myself to be. Or, perhaps, it’s been the depressive state I fell into months before COVID-19 came to the U.S. Or, again “perhaps,” working retail as I tried to build a socially conscious business around me created a huge disconnect between the life and person I was/am showing to the public and the spiritually-aware, mystic-like person I think I am privately. I don’t even know . . .

[Verse 1, translated]
Tell me
With your sweet smile
Tell me
Tell me like you’re whispering in my ear
Don’t be like a prey
(Be) Smooth like a like a snake
I want to get away

The persona I’ve been showing the world – She with the “I-don’t-give-a-damn” attitude as she smiles sweetly and happily at everybody around her — is that fork-tongued, slick-skinned snake mask I wear daily. I want to get away!

And, I thought I did when I’d get home to close the doors to my home, and myself, leaving the selfish, virus-ridden world outside where they/it belonged.

[Pre-chorus, translated]

Whoever it may be, save me, me
Save me
It continues even when I run away
I am caught in a lie

It doesn’t work that way. The lie, and the anxiety, and all that goes with them follow you in. They are part of you. And, no amount of hand sanitizer or hot showers will get rid of the snake that’s wrapped around you and presents its face as yours.

Depression is a bitch. My Depressive Self is ruthless, without compassion, and a general asshole. She’s angry and must struggle to see the good in anyone. She is careless in thought, word, and deed. Care-less. Imagine that. It is not the same as “carefree.” It may, with the right/wrong person, be the basis for psychopathy.

[Side Note: in the middle of writing this post, I received a package. I thought it was from my awesome cousin who has been generously sending me BTS albums/dvds as gifts (I got him hooked). His thoughtfulness and generosity has been inspiring to me in these past three months. In fact, it was from another friend who I’ve recently talked to about my new “obsession.” She understands having been going through a depressive state herself and also because she’s the ultimate “fan.” She sent me a BTS sweatshirt. I ugly cried on my couch. Here I was writing this blog post, and this lovely present comes. These two friends who understand my new “hobby,” as well as my lovely sister and co-workers who’ve texted me BTS-related news in support of my happiness . . . it’s overwhelming! It’s love. And, it’s a definite message (to me) that I’m not alone. That, in fact, there are beautiful, loving souls outside the safety of my house who are here to save me. Thank you to all of them and to you, who took are taking the time to read this.]

. . .

A week has passed since I’ve begun writing this and I received the present. And now, I’m recovering from staying up for two nights watching Festa. Can I go back to what I thought I was writing? Reading back on that last paragraph, it seems this post was headed toward a self-criticism. And, in fact, that might have been fitting because it’s that very negative self-talk that has made me feel so connected to Jimin and his struggles. And, somehow, despite the Korean language I didn’t/don’t understand, that shared struggle was conveyed through the music to give me that feeling of discomfort and (true to my self-hypercriticism) shame.

An author’s article explains Jimin’s song as one “in where we see an inner fight between his two sides, his true and insecure self, and this mask that he created to face the world but is swallowing him up. It’s a complex song where metaphors, vocal and music composition details mix to vignette a cry for help.”

If you’re interested, you can Google why Jimin himself was crying out for help. These lyrics describe, for me, my internal cry for help:

Find the me that was pure
I can’t be free from this lie
Give me back my smile
Caught in a lie
Pull me from this hell
I can’t be free from this pain
Save me, I am being punished

The hyper-self-criticism is the punishment. Putting aside the snake face one presents to the world … putting aside the many decisions you must make daily and the different masks you wear for those decision-based actions … pain comes from the internal disconnect. Find the me that was pure. There’s that spirit within you, within me, that is pure, loving, childlike, Godlike that is surrounded by darkness, anger, sadness, hopelessness . . . who can help me? Who can save me?

But, that’s just it, isn’t it? Therein lies the message that BTS members and their music have been telling the world. No one can save me. No one outside myself. My Self. The savior is Me.

I am still the same person I was before
I am here, the same person I was from before

It’s in remembering my True Self that I can begin to come out of the depression. And, it is in loving that person fully and whole-heartedly (Whole. Heart) that I can reach balance of Self, show love to others, and come back to that pure person I was before and am in my deepest heart of hearts.

I like to think that’s the journey Jimin has taken and is continuing to take. As he’s grown into an incredible man throughout these 10 years with BTS, he’s been sharing his struggles and healing growth. And, for that, I sincerely thank him and all of BTS as it is allowing me, and other ARMY, to self-heal. Borahae.  

I, I Did It All

Recently, I’ve been looking for a new job. I more or less gave up my photography business when I agreed to help my mother with her businesses (a medical practice and a residential care facility) a year and half ago. My intention was to go full steam ahead with my business when my son went away to college. I would now have the time to fully commit. Instead, I’ve spent the past 1.5 yrs bringing stability to two businesses for which I have no interest. But, I don’t regret it. I did it for love. I did it for my mother.

“Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay”

Any change is difficult. But, as we all know, change is healthy and necessary for growth. And, even though this wasn’t the change I was expecting, my life has definitely changed. One of the positive things from the past year is that it has given me the time to decide whether investing more time in photography was what I really wanted to do. I’ve never been as passionate about it as most other photographers I know. As one friend put it, “[you] don’t carry your camera everywhere with you.” But, giving up something that I’ve been doing, that I know, is scary. Still… I kept thinking that there was something else out there for me.

My issue this past year has been in trying to figure out what the “something” is. So, last December, I went to see a career counselor. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d written an actual resume, and I truly didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, … and, oops… here I was middle-aged and, supposedly, grown. What I learned in our meetings surprised me. Very little of my interests had to do with photography and more to do with spirituality, community/volunteering, holistic health/lifestyle, and food. (If you were a FB friend, you wouldn’t be surprised by that last one.) So, I began to look for things in those areas, including possibly going back to school.

“Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you’ll say…”

I told very few people about my findings, that I was considering going back for an M.A. I told those I knew it would affect — my family members and a few close friends.But, now, here’s where I got a surprise. The folks I thought might be unsupportive (namely some in my family) were completely supportive of the idea, even knowing that I’m financial strapped as it is and going back to school will be an even larger financial burden. But, the bigger surprise was that the one person I thought would be most supportive (because she always has been) got angry at me. Angry. (I repeat that word ‘cuz I’m still baffled by it.)

My Good Friend’s opinion is that I need to take grow up, get a job, any job, and take care of my finances. Now, mind you, I have very few expenses, excellent credit and really want for nothing. I may not have all the “extras,” but I’m grateful for what I have and believe that Source/God/dess (whatever you wanna call It) will provide. And, I’m not silly enough to let myself (or my kid) starve and be homeless because I’m too proud to work at Micky D’s. But, because she has been one of my guides for so long and because I respect her opinion, I began to doubt to myself.

In fact, the doubt grew so strong, it turned into fear; fear that I cannot provide for myself, fear that I won’t be able to get a decent-paying job (her opinion is that I should be an AA because that’s all I can do, even though I’m grossly over-qualified for all AA positions); fear that, as a middle-aged woman, I really have no choices or opportunities left.

Around this same time, my son started to have serious problems his second year in college. His grades started to dip; he can’t shake off feelings of depression; and, he has been ill with one virus or another since the beginning of the year. His words to me (via text) were “idk if classes are the right way to go.” What do you tell your kid when he pretty much says he wants to drop out of school? Ok… now what do you tell your kid, who’s been telling you since sophomore year of high school that he doesn’t like school and how things are taught? I’ve been telling him he needed to “play the game.” But, now he says, “I don’t want to play this game anymore.”

“Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I’ll say…”

Then, because my angels and guides speak to me through the internet (maybe), interesting articles began to pop up on my wall and in my feed. One was from a Reddit post by a 40-something man who felt he wasted his life. Another was a compilation of inspiring life lesson quotes by Rumi. (Just click on the links if you want to read them) The author of the Rumi quotes article listed the #2 life lesson as “Your job is to live your life in a way that makes sense to you, not them.” Well, if that didn’t hit me between the eyes!…

What I realized is that is DOESN’T make sense to live in fear, according to somebody’s else’s concept of what should or shouldn’t be and playing society’s game when it’s one you “don’t want to play.”

I’m 46 years old. Yes, my time in the workforce is now limited, but that just means I’m not going to settle for any old job. I’m going to get one that has meaning for me; one in which I can contribute and learn. Or, I’ll get a part-time job and go back to school to learn more stuff. I haven’t decided yet! And, I’ve got at least 40 more years of life to have more adventures and experiences.

As for my son, he’s at the beginning of his life. He, as a young adult, is at his peak, invincible. Why must he go through school the “proper” way? Why not take the time now to explore while he has the energy and is young enough to fail again and again with few consequences? So, as his mom, I’m encouraging him to take a “leave of absence” from school to get his health back on track, figure out what he wants to do and maybe go an adventure of his own.

I’m sure some people read the last two paragraphs and cringed. I know my Good Friend would. But, here’s something else I learned in the past year and a half…. your good friends may love you, but they don’t know what’s best for you. Only you know what’s best for you. I learned to listen to Myself, to trust my inner voice. And, in doing so, I also learned to hear what my son was really saying.

I think, though, that the hardest part in all this was the part I didn’t expect I had to do, which was to let go of my Friend. She was the last in a group of “friends” I recently let go because of their negativity. Don’t get me wrong… I”m not a fountain of positive words and actions all the time myself. But, I started listening to my body when it was telling me that certain people made me feel bad, about myself, about my situation. Being around them made me feel tired, sad, uninspired, and that was not the energy I wanted around myself. I plan to live a fearless life, in the Now, full of possibility,…  that is the sort of energy with which I choose to surround myself…. so that, someday, I can say..

“I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

With every broken bone, I swear I lived.
With every broken bone, I swear I…

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived.”

To Everything there is a Season

… and a time to every purpose, under Heaven.

Today, I went for a walk. And, there was a very specific purpose for that walk. I walked to a place that is sacred to me, a place where I have, in the past, been able to reflect and find peace during times in my life when I was in inner turmoil. This time was no different. But instead of just sitting there to think and, perhaps, to journal, I needed to bury something; to physically, symbolically cut ties with a certain person who has appeared on this blog numerous times.

Without going into too much detail, I created a little ceremony for myself in order to sever a connection with “Milo” (whom I’ve written of in the past). I took heart-shaped pieces of paper and, on each one, wrote our names and the names of those I feel he and I have been in shared past lives. I tore each piece in two so that the two names would no longer be connected then burned the pile of torn paper while giving thanks to God/dess for the lessons, the love and the connection we have shared and praying for more beneficial relationships in the future that will also lead me to more lessons, love and connection. It was the ashes of the paper I needed to bury to complete my “ceremony.”

As I walked over the footbridge that crossed the lake on my hike in order to get to my sacred place, I remembered the last time I’d walked that path with Milo in mind. At the time, the lake was full, teeming with fish. And, as I looked over it, I saw the ripples in the water and composed a poem:

Karma

What effect has my one pebble
when compared to the ripples made by the wind?

Is God’s hand not greater than mine,
large enough to diminish my careless toss?

waves abound,
made by the stirrings of many

So why does my hand hesitate
to cast my stone far and wide?

Why not make my fleeting mark
upon the vastness of this little lake?

(Frances Marie Reilly – 5.21.10)

Four years later, and I finally felt the change I needed within me. And, as I walked, a heron flew towards me, then stopped at a rock and seemed to point, with its beak, the direction of my path. (Why do I mention this? Google “animal spirits meaning heron”.)

At my special spot, I sat on a rock, closed my eyes and felt the wind, listened to the birds and creek while I prayed for completion, for closure and openness. I gave gratitude for the love, the patience of the Universe (as I felt I’ve lived through this cycle and have had to learn these lessons repeatedly, over eons), and the God-given strength I knew to exist within me. I meditated, listened and felt the energy of the Earth, of the Sky and the Wind, then drank Water to cleanse. Nobody’s ritual but my own, I knew, in my core, this was all necessary. Lastly, I dug a hole near some daisy-like flowers (so fitting, because I have always associated that flower with Milo), and as I filled it, again gave gratitude and put into it the intention of closure, change and growth.

As I walked back from whence I came, I reflected on the lightness I felt in my core. I realized that I was doing something I LOVE. I love to hike. This was a significant realization for me because it was the very thing I have been agonizing over for at least two years. In trying to decide on a career path, the question of “what do you love to do?” often arises, and, to my dismay, I have thought “I don’t really love to do anything.” I have been in a dark place of sadness thinking that I truly felt I had no passions in my life and that, somehow, that made me a lesser person. And, because of this, I would never “make my fleeting mark upon the vastness of this little lake.” But, here I was… just having completed a symbolic act, and at that moment, the sense of lack, of lowered self-worth lifted in some strange way. All because I realized that I love love love walking in nature.

Almost to my car, I stopped to watch a hummingbird, which seemed to stop to watch me. Google “hummingbird spirit animal,” and you’ll find “The hummingbird spirit animal symbolizes the enjoyment of life and lightness of being.” I also love that “this fascinating bird is capable of the most amazing feats despite its small size…” because I’m 4’10”!!

Can you feel my joy through this post?! In one short walk, I managed to let go a Love that no longer served me (a very difficult thing to do indeed), to reclaim that part of my heart so that, with a whole heart, I am open to new Love, to new experiences and lessons. I remembered my powerful Self – that through intention and ceremony (and maybe a bit of magic), I reclaimed, or just recognized, my inner strength and felt my Light and knew Passion.

It is so hard, in one blog post, to really convey everything I took away from my hike. The symbolism of the two animal totems – the heron and the hummingbird – are even more significant if I could tell you my whole story, my life in the present and the truly difficult, but necessary, situation I deal with daily. But, really, we all have those challenges in our lives. We all have the times we can’t figure out who we are, where we need to be, what we need to do. We all have things we need to let go, whether it’s stuff or, with more difficulty, people. And all these things wear us down, day after day, and its challenging to keep the darkness at bay (some times, we don’t even know it’s there) and remain positive through it all.

But, look at what I remembered. We are, each of us, so very strong inside. We were born that way, born with the strength to accept and live through the challenges and lesson Life gives us, and made even stronger by meeting those challenges which, with lessons learned, increase the Light within.

This time that is upon us now is a good time, a good season. I, for one, am looking forward to the new challenges ahead and finding my passions and my strength, my light. For, it is my time, my season, as it is … yours.

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late

We Are Love, We Are One…

… We are how we treat each other when the day is done.

I’m posting this a little later than I meant to, and I actually wondered for a few days whether this even makes sense to post… this is kind of an announcement, and a challenge, and an invitation … all rolled into one. It’s not my usual post, hence the questioning on my part. So, here goes…

Several months ago, I asked my Facebook friends what they thought of a particular personal challenge I thought I might want to do — not because I need permission or validation, but because I thought I would put it out there for accountability. Well, I got great support to do it, and to start at the beginning of the year, but I chickened out. My challenge to myself was this:  365 Days of Love

Every day, for the next 365 days, my goal is to create one art project each day which represents, in some way to me, the concept of Love.  The art can be in the form of a photograph, a drawing, a sculpture made on the beach of sand and rocks, or a poem. The challenge is to create each and every day, even if it sucks or is created in a medium with which I have no experience. And, believe me, this is quite a challenge because I can’t draw to save my life, my poetry is laughable at best, and my schedule is so hectic that to go out an capture something on digital and upload, process etc. is difficult.

Now, I’m not the kind of person who likes to challenge herself on… anything, really. I’m not competitive, and I’m mostly a “go with the flow” kind of person who rarely thinks ahead a week or two. And, “disciple” has never been an attribute assigned to me. So, why even think of something like this to do and put it out there to my family and friends? Well, honestly, it has nothing to do with discipline or challenge.

One day in December, I just happened to be thinking of how it’s becoming increasingly difficult to remain positive; how even the positive things I read on the internet can turn so negative when people make terrible comments on a post/article that is meant to uplift. People are so willing to be angry about anything, it seems, whether there is merit or not. I read recently that it is human tendency, and a product of our evolution, to focus on the negative. The I started thinking, … beyond trying to catch myself in my negative thoughts and turn them to the positive, what do I do to try to put positive vibrations out there? What do I do to promote a higher vibration in my family, in my community, in my world? What do I do?

To be bold, to be brave.
It is the thinking that the heart can still be saved
And the darkness can come quick
The Dangers in the Anger and the hanging on to it.

Other than trying to always remain positive and optimistic, trying to show compassion (when I’m aware of it), and trying to help relieve my family and friends of their burdens, I don’t do a whole lot. And, then I realized, for all my preaching and writing of how we are all in this world together, how it is up to all of us as a community to raise the vibrations of our societies and the world, how the answer to everything that plagues our world is Love, … I’m not doing a whole heck of a lot to contribute to make that world happen.

So, that’s when I thought of the project. It doesn’t seem like it might be that useful in promoting Love. After all, it’s an art project. But, I think that if it’s something I’m thinking of all the time — if I’m thinking of Love and how to represent that –then my thoughts are already beginning to create a possibility. And, if I give form to those thoughts, if I create something that is a material, touchable, seeable representation of Love, then I can share that with others who will then, at least for that brief moment of their day, think of Love and, maybe, feel Love. I guess it’s an actual, physical way to spread Love without going around hugging everybody and anybody I can find.

To be humble, to be kind.
It is the giving of the peace in your mind.
To a stranger, To a friend
To give in such a way that has no end.

So, here’s my invitation: won’t you join me on this journey, this challenge, this .. spreading of Love?

The rules to the challenge are simple:  There aren’t really any rules. Just every day, for a year, you create something that, for you, is representative of Love. It can be any medium – drawing, painting, photo, sculpture, poetry…. anything. The only rule is to take photo evidence (can be on your phone). So, if, for example, you make a heart out of rocks on the beach, just take a pic since you can’t take it with you. Then, share it! Spread the Love! If you can, please tweet or Instagram a pic of your art with the hashtag #365DaysOfLove. If not, share it with your friends, your family, with people on the street. It’d be awesome if we can spread the Love globally!

And, since practicing Self-Love is just as important, if you miss a day, forgive yourself, pat yourself on the back for what you’ve accomplished and just resume where you left off the next day. I have a few friends joining me in this already. We start February 14th (yeah, sorry for the late notice).

I’m going to try to figure out the whole Instagram thing and link it to my Facebook page, so if you wanna follow me and see how well I’m doing on this challenge, I’m on Facebook as Facebook.com/FrancesMarie.Photographs  (where you can friend me), on Twitter as @FrancesPhotos, and on Instagram as FrancesPhotographs. I’m not a complete luddite, but I honestly haven’t figured out how to link everything, so the posting may be spotty. I will try to figure it out by the the 14th, though.

And, if you decide to join me, first of all, that would be awesome (read that in a sing-song voice). But, also, please comment on this post so I can watch out for you, too. I’ll be able to find you if you use that hashtag #365DaysOfLove (I think. I hope.). And, remember,

Tell me what it is that you see
A world that’s filled with endless possibilities?
Heroes don’t look they used to, they look like you do.

P.S., I actually didn’t know this was featured in the Olympics until I went to get the Youtube vid for you. What a nice coincidence. I’m taking it as a sign that this is the perfect time to be doing this project.

The rest is still unwritten

You know, this personal growth thing is a roller coaster ride. No sooner do I think I’m getting close to the top, hearing the click click click of the belt as it pulls up my coaster, then I dip right back down to what feels like the bottom. Or, I’m riding that fast ride up but don’t realize it’s a loop-de-loop (is that what it’s called?), and I’m right back at the same level I started. It’s enough to make a girl feel like she’s making no progress.

In the few years I’ve had this blog, I’ve broken up with a boyfriend, which led me on a path of enlightenment, only to be sidetracked when I met my twin soul, with whom I had a non-relationship that put me off my path of personal growth for two years. He came back into my life like an unexpected maelstrom last autumn only to depart just as quickly and with as much confusion this past month. I would like to say that these unfulfilling, negative romantic relationships I’ve had have put me off of them for good. It might be nice to have an easy ride down the lazy river and live a quiet life of no romance, desire for self-improvement, growth or change. It might be peaceful. But, I would take Magic Mountain rides over Disney rides any day.

Even though it’s so frustrating to be near the bottom again, I think it’s worth the hard work to get back to the top and be able to see the view and feel the cool air on my face again. And, what does that work entail for me? I was just gonna describe them as a paragraph, but then I realized it’s a laundry list of things. So, here goes:

Meditation – I used to do it daily and worked my way up to a good half hour, at least. Now, I can barely meditate for a few minutes. Time to get back to my daily, morning routine of meditating. It’s a great way to start my day as it helps me start off with good energy and an openness. And, I personally think of meditation as that time during which I listen to God/dess/Universe. There’s much wisdom to be gleaned there.

Journaling – I, again, used to do this daily especially while I was with and just after I broke up with the Ex. My journaling, much like my blogging, is a lot of personal rambling that helps me organize my thoughts. It helps me get out my frustrations and insecurities without burdening others with them. But, I also try to be a cheerleader for myself and write down my hopes and dreams and desires. It’s definitely interesting to read back on those pages to see how much I haven’t changed but how far I’ve come.

Practicing Compassion – I can be super-critical (especially of myself). It’s a terrible thing I inherited from my father. But, I have a choice as to how I view life and those around me. And, I have the ability, as we all do, to put myself in someone else’s shoes (it’s called imagination). That grumpy, old lady who was snarky to me today…? maybe she’s in some physical pain or her kids haven’t called her in months so she’s lonely. Maybe her best friend just died. So, my reaction to her doesn’t have to be equal snark. It can be gentleness. Of course, this goes hand-in-hand with remembering not to take things personally. How someone behaves towards you usually has nothing to do with you.

Experiencing Nature – whether it be a hike through the woods or a walk on the beach or even just sitting next to a city planter full of green stuff, touching base with Mother Nature is always soothing to the soul. Looking up at the sky at night and seeing the millions of stars above reminds me that the Universe is vast, and the mistakes I make in life will hardly impact anything. Watering my lemon tree, whose life depends upon my care, reminds me that I am responsible for the well-being of other living things on this planet, so my actions do matter. Feeling the wind upon my face lifts my spirit and reminds me of those things unseen that surround us and are a part of us all.

Creating Art – as a photographer, this should be fairly easy. But, it’s not the only art-form I want to “experience.” I enjoy painting and drawing (even though I’m not very good at either) and scrapbooking (yes.. it’s art!).  For me, this is really about creating. After all, life is about creation, isn’t it? My art can be on paper or canvas, on the computer, or even a delicious dish I’ve cooked up. The very act of creating is soul affirming.

Practicing Gratitude – this doesn’t have to be formal, like a gratitude journal or a list or anything. Even if I take a few seconds out of my day to just appreciate a flower and send a quick, little thanks to the Universe for showing me Its beauty, I find that practicing gratitude gives me joy. There’s no room for complaining when you’re truly grateful for…whatever.

Practicing Forgiveness – yeah… that sounds weird. But, I find people just carry so much anger within them. I do, too. I’m not talking about being angry at anyone or anything specifically. Just read comments on any article. Even if it’s inspiring, there’s always at least one person who’s just pissed for who-knows-what-reason. I know I get “justifiably” angry at whatever social injustice I come across. That anger is a weight on my heart. It’s negativity that I don’t need to carry. So, yes.. it would be great if we were all on the same page in this world so that there would no longer be bigots and their like in this world. But, I have to remind myself that we are all on our separate journeys, each at our own pace. And, we’ll eventually arrive at the same place, given time. So, yes, I have to practice forgiveness, a lot. Release the anger and send out love.

That’s it. Just those few things. Some of them are even fun. Some of them are a lot harder than they seem. But, I want off the easy, lazy river ride and back on the roller coaster. My coaster car might keep coming down — there’s fun in that, too — but at least I know I’ll keep climbing up. Ok…so maybe a roller coaster isn’t quite the best metaphor here.  heh heh

Definitely, though, I think the song I chose for this post is fitting because, even with all the ups and downs, my life is still before me. It is still unwritten.

I am unwritten, can’t read my mind, I’m undefined
I’m just beginning, the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We’ve been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can’t live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Things Left Undone

I was just reading my last post on “commitment” and, being as it’s the beginning of the new year, the traditional time of the year to make new commitments, I have to take pause – review, rethink.

It’s been over a year since I posted last. I’d written “if we want something bad enough, we make it happen, right? Even if our goals aren’t accomplished the first time around, we keep trying, push past the failure, until we get what we want, or something that is better.” And, I still believe that to be true. But, sometimes, life throws us a curveball, and we have to adapt our swing, change our goals or, at least, the timeline.

“When your life is over and you’re reaching the end,
River of Jordan is around the bend,
Will you be counting all the trophies you won?
Or will you look back on the things left undone?

I was determined, last year, to put my photography business on the road to success. The plan was to implement all my marketing ideas and really start booking shoots and making money in the business. What actually happened the latter half of the year was the complete opposite. First, I lost my largest “client.” The organization decided that they were perfectly happy having me photograph their events for free and, now that we had come to the point where I should be properly compensated for my efforts (even after the many thousands of dollars they’d saved with me as their photographer for the past two years), they happily let me go to “hire” another photographer. I took that event as a positive thing as I had become quite unhappy with our relationship.

….

I started this post last night when I’d written everything above. I was going to go on about how so many things happened to make me re-think my commitment to having a successful photography business, including losing the client, the death of my grandmother (for whose funeral arrangements I was responsible), going to the Philippines (for grandma’s funeral) and getting caught in Super Typhoon Haiyen (Yolanda), and leaving my home in San Diego for extended periods of time in order to help my mother with her businesses (I would drop everything, except anything for my son, to help my mother). How can I possibly continue as a photographer when it seems life is pointing me elsewhere?

I couldn’t quite complete the post because I was so torn as to where it was going. I mean… I make commitments all the time and, when they’re made to others, I will always follow through. But, the promises I make to myself, whether they be in business or personal life, somehow get put on the back burner.

I looked around my home and saw the many, many projects left undone — paintings partially completed and barely begun, books half read (like a mountain of them), even food in the fridge I’d meant to turn into some yummy dish but ended up throwing out because I’d never gotten around to cooking, and it spoiled.

I was in this frame of mind when I’d titled this blog post and found this video with the words that described how I felt last night — the fear of letting another year go with so much left undone.

“Do you regret, Love, all the things left undone?
Do you regret?

Then, this morning, I watched this Ted talk:

It is given by Diana Nyad, a woman who this past year, at the age of 64, completed an epic journey, swimming from Cuba to the U.S.; a journey she began in her 20s.

In the midst of my “rethinking and reviewing” and just going back and forth in my head as to my photography business and all the other half-completed, unfulfilled promises and commitments to myself, I watch this video and some of her words just jump out and touch me:

“Isn’t life about the journey and not the destination?”

Yet, Ms. Nyad does also say, “Of course I want to make it across. It is the goal.” We all want to keep our commitments. We all want to reach our goals. And, as much as I’ve always believed in her first statement and have always considered my journey the reason for my life, I also want that feeling of satisfaction, of completion. I want to end my life (when the time comes) to know that I’ve done and created. 

So, I start today, the third day of January, with more hope that I have enough time to complete my many paintings, to read my many books and to be successful (in my definition of “success”) as a photographer. It took Ms. Nyad forty years to reach her goal. I am only just 45 now myself. There is so much more time, and I’m walking my path on my epic journey at my own pace. I have the time to fail a hundred times over before I can succeed. And, more importantly, I can be forgiving and compassionate with myself, to allow myself that time.

I think, though, that more than Ms. Nyad’s words of commitment, promise and hope to “never, ever give up” are her very wise words that:

“Every day of our lives is epic.”

It’s Always Better When We’re Together

It’s been sort of a dramatic two days, full of emotion of my part – first, with the elections last night then, this afternoon, on a phone call regarding a friend’s love life. What have I gotten out of the ups and downs of my last two days? Simply this …

Every thing should be easy!

No… really… I mean it. I wonder, at times, why there is so much strife in the world. I understand that, as humans, we value that for which we fight and have to take a stand and pour our hearts into. But, really, must we have to fight for everything? And, by that, I mean — aren’t there things that should just be no-brainers? Things that should just come easily, with no dissension, no animosity or hard-feelings; things that just are or become because they’re right.

Prop 37 in California, for instance, is something that you’d think would have passed easily. You would think that people would want to know what’s in their food and would want to be informed and have the ability to choose. I don’t care if you put GMOs in my food. But, I want to know — darned it! — so I can choose to eat it or not it. It’s really pretty simple. Why did it have to come down to a fight against the big companies for them to do the right thing?

Then, there’s Love (romantic love, friendship love, whatever love). If two people love each other, and they have the time to be together (and WANT to be together), why can’t they just have a relationship? It can be for this moment, or this day or week, year, the rest of their lives….
Why does so much thought have to go into whether or not we ought to have a relationship with this person or that? Beyond maybe social and moral limitations, why can’t two people who enjoy being together just… BE together?

I think our brains get in the way. We start thinking about the all the possible negatives so we hesitate.

I also think, though, that if we come together to remind each other of the good in everything and everyone, there can be a positive (and quick) change in this world. If we stand together in love and harmony (sounds like a Coke song), the fears and the doubts will dissipate. Without all that fear and with support, understanding and hope for each other, I think life would be easier. Life would be better.

“Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together”

Better Together – Jack Johnson

I Won’t Give Up on Us

“… even if the skies get rough..”  — Jason Mraz

In the last year or more, the theme of things ending has been re-occurring…  the end of relationships, the end of the world, the of end times…

I know a group of people who are preparing for the apocalypse (or, at least that’s what it seems like they’re doing); making sure they have stockpiles of food, know how to defend themselves when anarchy hits, have everything they need in the event society breaks down. I guess this is an extreme form of emergency preparedness. I find it, though practical, to be a bit sad.

I must be the kind of person who has unconditional HOPE … “to expect with confidence,” as defined by Merriem-Webster. I expect that society will progress to become more civilized, not less. And, I am confident that, despite the many setbacks (and crazy proposals the Republican party currently seems to espouse — yes, I went there.. to the political) our society continually seems to undergo, we will.. as a community, as a nation, as a civilization.. grow.

“I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make…”

I know a man who should be Lightworker. (Well, I guess we are all lightworkers according to Lightworkers.org .)  He believes, like the group mentioned above, that there is Darkness on the horizon; that our society is in a spiritual war, and the dark is winning, at the moment. I agree with him … I agree there has been a spiritual, energy war happening, but I believe that the Light is winning. I can feel it in my bones, in my dreams and in my very Being.

But, I might just be the kind of person who has unconditional FAITH … in God/Goddess, the Universe, whatever you wanna call it, that all is happening as it should and all will be right in this world. Merriem-Webster’s definition is: “something that is believed especially with strong conviction;  belief and trust in and loyalty to God.” It also considers the word “trust” synonymous with “hope,” with the additional qualifer of “dependence on something future.” Yes… I completely depend on the future turning out wonderfully. I insist upon it. I completely believe and trust everything, everyone will become amazing.  I am looking forward to it. And, I will do my part to ensure that it happens by spreading my joy, my light, as much as I can to all around me.

“Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake…”

This same man I just mentioned also happen to be my Twin Soul (aka, twin flame, something a bit more than just a soulmate). Because of many misunderstandings, he and I cannot be friends at this time. It makes me sad, but it is where we both need to be at this time. And, the very concept of having a Twin says that he and I are learning, growing, progressing in the same direction, together (even while we’re physically apart). That, alone, is exciting. But since we have this awkwardness, and strange energy, between us, a few of  my friends have suggested I give up on him, forget him.

But, I know I am absolutely the kind of person who can LOVE unconditionally … no strings, no expectations, no desire for benefit…  just… Love.

“unconditional: not conditional or limited (M-W.com)”  There is no limit to what I feel for this man, as there is no limit for my love for my son, my family and my friends. I will be there for him, for them, when they need me. There is also no limit on how much I will keep my Hope and Trust that our world and humanity will rise to what it is meant to become — the very best. I will not, cannot, stop loving and showing love no matter how dark and scary and depressing things seem, with either my Twin or the world or what have you. Because..  as I have learned.. this is simply who I am.

“And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough, he knows (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up”

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