I Wanna Be Rich, I Wanna Be King, I Wanna Go Win, I Wanna Be …

As I enter my 54th year (Asian age; I just turned 53 international age), I reflect on those dreams and desires I had in my 20s and teens. What person doesn’t dream that they’ll, someday, be a famous entertainer or scientist or be the CEO of a large conglomerate? Our dreams are lofty.

Over time and after the experiences and challenges of life, those dreams may turn to ones of quiet rest and retirement, when we can enjoy simpler things. Yet we don’t cease to hope for and dream of a luxurious life. The number of lotto tickets sold at my store should be some indicator of that.

This morning, I recall a conversation with a young man at my store last night. He was buying laundry supplies for his mom whose side hustle is as a laundress. She splits her earnings with her kids when they help out. He also works at the local pizzeria. I reflect on my many blessing this morning. Never out of need have I had to work so hard. Yes my current job is as a glorified cashier, and it’s back-breaking (or in my case, neck-straining) hard work, but I do it because it’s “easy.” I would have to get out of my comfort zone, after all, to find a “better” job. And, I hate hate hate interviewing. If I didn’t work, I think I’d be okay for a while. I certainly will never go hungry or homeless. I am truly, truly blessed. And thank goodness! Because it is, and always has been, fear that holds me in place.

            (Hangul and Romanisation lyrics shown in the following video)

Ooh, I wondered everyday how far I’d go
I came to my senses and I find myself here
Yeah, hmm, shadow at my feet
Look down, it’s gotten even bigger
I run but the shadow follows, as dark as the light’s intense
I’m afraid, flying high is terrifying

And now, more than a half century has passed. And I daily listen to seven young men who work tirelessly to create, produce, and generously give back to and for their fans. I imagine (and it is absolutely an assumption because who can know their motivation?) a large part of their actions is propelled by the thought that their time is limited. How long can idols last physically? Ten years is a long time to put your body through what they do. Recently their efforts are expanding beyond entertainment (perhaps to pave way for longer-term careers?) Yet, a couple things have been consistent – their gratitude to their fandom and supporters and that they return those blessings.

So here I sit in leisurely comfort before I go to my (very easy) job, and I contemplate my many blessings. Though I have, throughout my lifetime, considered myself blessed, perhaps I haven’t considered enough how to pass on those blessings to others.

And, here, my thoughts take a turn to Christmas gift-giving. We don’t do it. It stresses me and my son out. It’s a materially oriented practice that we try to avoid. But now I’m wondering if it is more deep-seated than that. For, at its core, gift-giving is the practice of passing on your blessings. The energy of that is rooted in love and caring. And, that is what I’d like to practice this 54th year. And not necessarily in stuff, but through my own God/dess-given gifts. Hmmm…

Side note: Suga’s rap and lyrics are probably totally different from how I use them here. It is the English part of his song, and the music itself, that make me stop and think of things in my own life. He, of course, raps about his own journey. Each of BTS’ song inspire me in different ways in different times. This blog post started off completely differently a few months ago. But, I was an almost different person then, with different considerations. And now, these are my thoughts – how to repay and honor my blessings like my idols pass on theirs through serving as ambassadors, their free songs, and interaction with ARMY. Those are their gifts that they can spread to others. What are my gifts and what can I give?

Yeah I’m you, you are me, now do you know
Yeah you are me, I’m you, now you do know

We are one body, sometimes we will clash
You can never break me off, this you must know
Yeah yeah can’t break me off, whatever you do
Yeah you’ll be at ease if you admit it too
Yeah succeed or fail, whichever way you flow
Yeah you can’t escape, wherever you go


I have a confession to make. My wake-up alarm is set to a BTS song. Every morning I start my day with either catching up on Weverse notifications, Youtube videos, checking my Facebook groups on BTS-related info, or (and most likely) all of the above. I end my day with their music playing in my mind. I am mildly perturbed by this. As a person who favors and favorites nothing but my son (because he’s an only child), I’m often concerned by this level of obsession. It can’t be healthy, can it? More than that, as an old(er) lady it’s embarrassing, especially as it pertains to my bias. I’ve been pretty vocal about being ARMY, even sporting BTS-themed clothing and jewelry. But, as I “loud and proud” as I am, it’s a struggle. Why? Because I’m not sure how it fits my image of how I want others to view me.

Honestly, as a hard introvert (I’ve been “classified” as an INFJ), I would rather people don’t view me at all! Better that I am a faceless, amorphous presence in the background. I am more comfortable that way, when I can just watch others and they don’t notice me. But, that’s not how American culture works. We are meant to show our individualism and uniqueness whilst belonging to a “tribe” or “team,” whatever that may be. I have a hard time “belonging” and/or “identifying” as anything. And, this is why as a transpersonal psychology student, I struggled whenever we learned of and discussed aspects of Self and how we are meant to accept and integrate them (all of Her) to be our True Self. I suppose, for me, those different roles we play in our own Hero’s Journey are nothing but masks we don depending on the occasion. They are but simply our momentary persona.

Who am I? The question I had my whole life
The question which I probably won’t find an answer to my whole life

If I were answerable with a few more words
Then God wouldn’t have created all these various beauties
How you feel? How’re you feeling right now?
Actually I’m real good but a little uncomfortable
I’m still not so sure if I’m a dog or a pig or what else
But then other people come out and put the pearl necklace on me

I started my grad studies in 2015. I initially applied to a program in spiritual advising or something like that. That program was cut so I ended up in transpersonal psychology. Because I’m a person who literally thinks everything happens for a reason (in other words, leave it all to God/dess), I was ok with it. Now that I look back on it, I think it’s both ironic and funny.

I have always warned my son never to date a psych student because (and yes this is a generalization) they’re all crazy and trying to find the answers to fix themselves. And, here I became a psych student. And, I think I went a little “crazy.” Actually, let me rephrase that into a more politically correct way. I broke into pieces.

So I’m askin’ once again yeah
Who the hell am I?

Tell me all your names baby
Do you wanna die?
Oh do you wanna go?
Do you wanna fly?
Where’s your soul? where’s your dream?
Do you think you’re alive?

When I did my one-week orientation at grad school, I felt I became alive. I thought I’d found my people, my tribe. My cohort and instructors were/are like-minded folks who understood that “woo-woo” part of me I couldn’t explain out loud. They could relate to all the “weird” things I experience – the metaphysical and spiritual happenings that seem to weave themselves into my daily life; the surges of power and insight that come from nowhere and are a bit frightening because society and primary Western understanding have no explanations for them. My school and the people in it had labels to make those experiences more palatable and acceptable for me. They offered me the holes I could put my peg into, labeled as intuitive, shaman, witch … there was a buffet of personas from which I could pick and feast – goddess, empath, fairy. The list can go on, but you get the idea. All of it felt right. And all of it felt wrong.

Who the hell am I
I just wanna go
I just wanna fly
I just wanna give you all the voices till I die
I just wanna give you all the shoulders when you cry

My second year into grad school, I felt that my reason for being there was so that I could be the shoulder for everyone’s burden as they went through their transformative process. Being constantly available and empathic made me, I think, withdraw into myself. At the same time, I was creating a new persona for others to see; a new mask to hide behind, to appease the senses of others and with which I could, and did, create a barrier between me and the outside world. Hmmm… I suppose some would say I was falling into my chronic depressive state.

Even after graduation, I held onto this mask and added layers of laquer to it. A layer of “business owner,” a layer of “coach”, a layer of event planning, forest-bathing, teacher, fund-raising, nature girl. Oh gosh… the list goes on. So many layers. So many roles to play. So many personas. Writing this down, I feel sick to my stomach. Literally. It’s too much, overwhelming, and too heavy. How many layers do you add to your mask before it stops up all the breathing holes and you begin to suffocate?

And, here is where Kim Nam-joon’s (aka RM) words make me want to scream because I can relate so much:

[Verse 2]
My shadow, I wrote and called it hesitation
It has never hesitated after becoming that
It keeps appearing under the stage or the light
Keeps glaring at me scorchingly like a heat wave (Oh shit)
Hey, have you already forgotten why you even started this

You were just digging it that someone was listening
Sometimes everything sounds like freakin’ nonsense
You know what comes out of you when you’re drunk.. like immaturity

“Hey, have you already forgotten why you even started this? You were just digging it that someone was listening.” You know, it’s funny. No matter how introverted a person, I guess we all need acknowledgement and attention in some form. And, it’s interesting that RM writes and raps about the “shadow.” This is very prevalent in transpersonal psych. And, like his words and maybe his shadow, mine began to appear more and more and grew larger within my psyche, behind my mask.

Someone like me ain’t good enough for music
Someone like me ain’t good enough for the truth
Someone like me ain’t good enough for a calling
Someone like me ain’t good enough to be a muse
The flaws of mine that I know
Maybe that’s all I’ve got really
The world is actually not interested in my clumsiness at all
The regrets that I don’t even get sick of anymore
I tumble with them every night until I’m disgusted
And twist the irreversible time habitually
There’s something that raised me up again every time
The first question
The three syllables of my name and the word ‘but’ that should come before any of those

 “Someone like me ain’t good enough …” This is my shadow. This is the internal voice that takes space inside my head and grows the seed of doubt in my heart. It has been named as “imposter syndrome.” And, I feel that completely.

And because of an unexpected pandemic that shut down the entire world, I have “The regrets that I don’t even get sick of anymore. I tumble with them every night until I’m disgusted And twist the irreversible time habitually.” Stay-at-home orders and required mask wearing gave me permission to let everything go – drop it all and pretend like nothing happened. It’s immaturity and avoidance, and I won’t even make excuses for it because to do so would be false. Let’s just say I took off the heavy mask that everyone was used to seeing, threw it on the ground and stomped on the pieces that weren’t already broken. And, behind it all, I found that I am faceless. And, it’s okay.

Well, this wouldn’t be much of a BTS love post if I didn’t gush over the group, their music, and why I’m writing another BTS-related post. I can’t really gush right now. Very honestly, I haven’t gotten over much of what I’ve just written about – the masks, the imposter syndrome shadow, having to actually come back to reality and deal with all the stuff I set aside … it is all overwhelming. I can barely keep it together as I recover and come out of my cave. But I know I’m not alone. That somewhere on the other side of the world, a South Korean man I can’t understand is rapping the words and feelings that sit in my soul. Somehow, his music and his rhyme are the air that fuels the fire deep within my Authentic Self.

[Chorus: RM]
So I’m askin’ once again yeah
Who the hell am I?

Tell me all your names baby
Do you wanna die?
Oh do you wanna go?
Do you wanna fly?
Where’s your soul? where’s your dream?
Do you think you’re alive?

[Bridge: RM]
Ah, shit
I don’t know man
But I know one thing

[Verse 3: RM]
My name is R
The ‘me’ that I remember and people know
The ‘me’ that I created myself to vent out

Yeah maybe I have been deceiving myself
Maybe I’ve been lying
But I’m not embarrassed anymore this is the map of my soul

Before reading the translation and without even understanding his words, a part of me knew that the answer I seek/sought was in an empathic rap. The rhythm and timbre of his words told my subconscious there was a message for me there:

Dear myself
You must never lose your temperature
Cuz you don’t need to be neither warm nor cold

Though I might sometimes be hypocritical or pretend to be evil
This is the barometer of my direction I want to keep
The ‘me’ that I want myself to be
The ‘me’ that people want me to be
The ‘me’ that you love
And the ‘me’ that I create
The ‘me’ that’s smiling
The me that’s sometimes in tears

Vividly breathing each second and every moment even now


“Transpersonal psychology can be understood as a psychology of transformation, one that studies humans as participation members of transformative process. . . Transformation of consciousness is not merely developmental maturation, but a process in which the very identity of the participating subject (individual or collective) is radically reorganized as it comes under the influence of higher forces (Hartelius, Rothe and Roy, 2012).”

Caught in a Lie

So, I was gonna write about my joining BTS ARMY in the order of the songs that impacted me. But, I’m watching and listening to Jimin’s “Lie” this morning and recall the emotions that went along with the first time I heard it.

Well, since I can’t understand but maybe four words of Korean, naturally it’s the music that drew me in. From the first time I heard it, something about it was so inconceivably heart-wrenching, I almost had to stop. You know the feeling, right?

There’s that feeling in your chest you don’t understand – where it comes from and why it’s there – slightly uncomfortable and indescribable. And, it’s a feeling that threatens to move up your throat, you can almost taste it. And, if you’re not very, very careful, it will turn into a choke or, god forbid, a sob. And, if it does that, you’re lost. You will be deep in that emotion, and your brain will be empty and upset.

But, … listen to the music. Something about it permits you to have that feeling. It allows you to fall into that sadness because it understands. Maybe Jimin (the BTS member who sings it) understands. Maybe he feels it, too, or has been in that internal space with you.

What was this “lie” he sings of? Then, I watched a video . . .

(Turn on closed captions)

Beautiful, heartthrob visuals aside, when I read the lyrics (closed captioned conversion to English), my heart decide to rest in my throat. I was already drawn to the English sentence in the song, “caught in a lie,” as it spoke to something in my subconscious.

Perhaps it is because of this pandemic that I have felt a strong disconnect to the life I’m living and the person I have always imagined myself to be. Or, perhaps, it’s been the depressive state I fell into months before COVID-19 came to the U.S. Or, again “perhaps,” working retail as I tried to build a socially conscious business around me created a huge disconnect between the life and person I was/am showing to the public and the spiritually-aware, mystic-like person I think I am privately. I don’t even know . . .

[Verse 1, translated]
Tell me
With your sweet smile
Tell me
Tell me like you’re whispering in my ear
Don’t be like a prey
(Be) Smooth like a like a snake
I want to get away

The persona I’ve been showing the world – She with the “I-don’t-give-a-damn” attitude as she smiles sweetly and happily at everybody around her — is that fork-tongued, slick-skinned snake mask I wear daily. I want to get away!

And, I thought I did when I’d get home to close the doors to my home, and myself, leaving the selfish, virus-ridden world outside where they/it belonged.

[Pre-chorus, translated]

Whoever it may be, save me, me
Save me
It continues even when I run away
I am caught in a lie

It doesn’t work that way. The lie, and the anxiety, and all that goes with them follow you in. They are part of you. And, no amount of hand sanitizer or hot showers will get rid of the snake that’s wrapped around you and presents its face as yours.

Depression is a bitch. My Depressive Self is ruthless, without compassion, and a general asshole. She’s angry and must struggle to see the good in anyone. She is careless in thought, word, and deed. Care-less. Imagine that. It is not the same as “carefree.” It may, with the right/wrong person, be the basis for psychopathy.

[Side Note: in the middle of writing this post, I received a package. I thought it was from my awesome cousin who has been generously sending me BTS albums/dvds as gifts (I got him hooked). His thoughtfulness and generosity has been inspiring to me in these past three months. In fact, it was from another friend who I’ve recently talked to about my new “obsession.” She understands having been going through a depressive state herself and also because she’s the ultimate “fan.” She sent me a BTS sweatshirt. I ugly cried on my couch. Here I was writing this blog post, and this lovely present comes. These two friends who understand my new “hobby,” as well as my lovely sister and co-workers who’ve texted me BTS-related news in support of my happiness . . . it’s overwhelming! It’s love. And, it’s a definite message (to me) that I’m not alone. That, in fact, there are beautiful, loving souls outside the safety of my house who are here to save me. Thank you to all of them and to you, who took are taking the time to read this.]

. . .

A week has passed since I’ve begun writing this and I received the present. And now, I’m recovering from staying up for two nights watching Festa. Can I go back to what I thought I was writing? Reading back on that last paragraph, it seems this post was headed toward a self-criticism. And, in fact, that might have been fitting because it’s that very negative self-talk that has made me feel so connected to Jimin and his struggles. And, somehow, despite the Korean language I didn’t/don’t understand, that shared struggle was conveyed through the music to give me that feeling of discomfort and (true to my self-hypercriticism) shame.

An author’s article explains Jimin’s song as one “in where we see an inner fight between his two sides, his true and insecure self, and this mask that he created to face the world but is swallowing him up. It’s a complex song where metaphors, vocal and music composition details mix to vignette a cry for help.”

If you’re interested, you can Google why Jimin himself was crying out for help. These lyrics describe, for me, my internal cry for help:

Find the me that was pure
I can’t be free from this lie
Give me back my smile
Caught in a lie
Pull me from this hell
I can’t be free from this pain
Save me, I am being punished

The hyper-self-criticism is the punishment. Putting aside the snake face one presents to the world … putting aside the many decisions you must make daily and the different masks you wear for those decision-based actions … pain comes from the internal disconnect. Find the me that was pure. There’s that spirit within you, within me, that is pure, loving, childlike, Godlike that is surrounded by darkness, anger, sadness, hopelessness . . . who can help me? Who can save me?

But, that’s just it, isn’t it? Therein lies the message that BTS members and their music have been telling the world. No one can save me. No one outside myself. My Self. The savior is Me.

I am still the same person I was before
I am here, the same person I was from before

It’s in remembering my True Self that I can begin to come out of the depression. And, it is in loving that person fully and whole-heartedly (Whole. Heart) that I can reach balance of Self, show love to others, and come back to that pure person I was before and am in my deepest heart of hearts.

I like to think that’s the journey Jimin has taken and is continuing to take. As he’s grown into an incredible man throughout these 10 years with BTS, he’s been sharing his struggles and healing growth. And, for that, I sincerely thank him and all of BTS as it is allowing me, and other ARMY, to self-heal. Borahae.  

At 52, I joined the A.R.M.Y.

Chronic depression … what are the signs? Have I been in one for the past two years? Or, since Covid-19 hit the U.S.? It’s hard to tell when you’re in the depths of it. When you’re standing in the darkness and there is one point of light in the distance, how do you see it when your eyes are closed?

Then, I found BTS.

I watched the James Cordon carpool karaoke featuring this K-Pop group early this past March (2021). But … I had seen this before; the previous summer. I think I was too deep in slumber for my conscious mind to process what I watched. This time, I was half-awake and ready to see the joy and laughter and J-Hope’s smiling face in the middle.

That video struck a note of happiness in my chest somewhere. It was uncomfortable and, mostly, unfamiliar. But, it was also curious. Curious enough to make me click onto another video that popped up on my YouTube feed – something like Hip Hop dancers react to BTS dancing or something like that. Turns out they were viewing and reacting to the 2020 Melon Music Awards of BTS’s performances of Black Swan, ON, Life Goes On, and Dynamite.  And, the combination of their reactions and what saw on the little screen they watched had me even more curious and, dare I say?, excited.

I found the full video myself. And, my heart … cried.

It cried for the beauty of the performance of “Black Swan” on the screen.
It cried for the artistry of dance, music, stage, imagery, costumes, colors . . .
It cried because it began to beat again, along with the rhythm and drums of “ON.”
It cried because, with the newly infused blood, it heard the truth that “Life Goes On” but I haven’t been.

I didn’t know and couldn’t understand what I was listening to. I just knew I could sense a light behind my eyes. And it hurt, so my heart cried. I cried.

“It’s okay to shed the tears / But don’t you tear yourself”
— “Moonchild” – RM

Then, a song came on in English – “Dynamite.” And I danced!

We gotta dance in the rain, dance in the pain”
–“Moonchild” -RM

Now … I’m not completely dense and out of the loop. I had heard this song last year. But, when I’m in a depressive state but don’t know it, nothing affects me. Nothing. In fact, everything is nothing to me. And “everything” includes my physical state (as well as my mental and emotional states). So when sitting in nothing becomes your state of physical be-ing, it hurts when you get up to dance. And that discomfort is, perhaps, what inspired the desire to open my eyes and look for that tiny point of light.

I finally spotted it. It seems to be emanating from somewhere in S. Korea. I’ll write more about that later and about why I, a half-century old woman, finally became a fan of something/someone(s) for the first time in my life. Until then, … Stay Gold!

P.S., the RM (aka Kim Namjoon) quotes are from his mixtape single, so not necessarily a BTS song. But, I thought they were very fitting for this post. As individual artists, their songs are, to me, as inspiring as their group music.

All My Days

Last week, I turned down a job as an office manager/bookkeeper for a lovely nonprofit. I agonized about the decision for at least a week. Almost everything about the position checked all the boxes: great, positive people; beautiful work environment; a position where I would be supported and could learn new things; flexibility of time after several months in the role; amazing, mission-driven environmental organization. ALL the boxes except one – financially feasible. Ugh.

Yes, it’s true that working for a nonprofit generally equates with earning a lower wage rate. And, this place was paying the going rate for the position. I may have more to say on that in another post. But, what made it infeasible was its distance – 36 miles away. That means a 45 minute to one hour drive each way, in traffic, each day not to mention the cost of gas and wear and tear on my car! Because lunch was unpaid and a 40 hour work week required, the time invested would have been from 8 am to nearly 7 pm, 5 days a week. That doesn’t even factor the time you spend getting ready for work and prepping meals.

Yeah, yeah … I know. “Whine whine whine,” you’re saying. Most people live this, do this; some with longer commutes. And many, I would guess, do this with lower paying jobs. I honestly can’t wrap my head around this. How? And … why?

What, I wondered, is my time worth? At what point does paying the bills (and this pay rate wouldn’t have allowed me to break even) offset what you sacrifice in life balance? Ok. Let’s even throw “balance” out the window. What about quality of life?

But, I’ll be honest. I would have temporarily sacrificed balance, quality, time, all that, if the numbers worked out and I knew that I would eventually stop having to draw from savings to make ends meet. I wanted to work there. Everything about the place was and is amazing. But the fact of the matter is that wage rates in this country have not risen to account for cost of living in even the most basic sense. The baseline is too low to make what would’ve been an unending sacrifice. That whole can of worms is a discussion for another time. Sadly, the years it would’ve taken to reach that break-even point may have put me into my retirement years.

Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Making the decision to say “no, thank you” lifted a burden off my shoulders. The entire process of crunching the numbers, considering the costs versus the benefits (I was a business student,           ya know!), and struggling with the frustration brought on a large amount of anxiety. That anxiousness was on top of the everyday concern that I really do need to get a job, or make enough somehow, to stop drawing from my dwindling savings. Yet, I know I’m blessed. I have financial means to fall back on. My worry is not that great.

What about the hundreds of San Diegans I see with two-hour work commutes, each way, every day? How are they not just sitting in a cesspool of anxiety as they sit in unending traffic, knowing that their incomes just barely support their lifestyles? What about the time, an irretrievable commodity, they sacrifice away from family, friends, healthy activities, and anything else that fills their hearts? It is no wonder that people suffer from anxiety disorders now more than ever. You want numbers? “About one in five Americans cited unemployment and low wages (22 percent), and climate change and environmental issues (21 percent) as issues causing them stress. (APA, Nov. 2017)” Money and work are among the top three most common sources of stress, in fact. (I’ll add the infographic link at the bottom.)

Many a road, you know
I’ve been walking on
All of my days
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Why do I bring this up? Because this freaks me the fuck out! I worry about the future of our nation (which, btw, is the number one most common source of stress) and the people in it. And, it’s obvious I’m not alone. This … THIS is a huge reason I’m building an organization that addresses anxiety disorders. We want to teach people how to be less anxious using nature therapy as the main modality. Nature is free and readily available. Interacting with nature chills us out and leads to creating deep connections. Those connections we have with nature and each other make us more compassionate, loving beings. I would guess compassionate bosses are more likely to pay an actual living wage (a bit of sarcasm here), therefore, less stress/anxiety, better life balance, etc. You see? There are so many ways this can go that are cyclical and beneficial.

Time really is an irretrievable commodity. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. And, I made the decision last week to spend the time I would’ve been sitting in traffic to building something that will benefit everyone. It’s called Earth Connect. I hope you’ll check it out.




Do be do be do … – Frank Sinatra

Action is creation made manifest — Frances Marie Reilly. As images of God, we are creators. It is within our purpose to create, and that requires action.

I’ve been struggling a lot, lately, with living and doing. I’ve got the being part down pat. You know, the thing that spiritual leaders tell you is the main part of being a spiritual being (see? There’s a lot of “being” in those two sentences!). But, as I tell those who come to me for advice, we live in this 3D reality, which means that we have to do and act and live. And, as I repeatedly tell them — Action is creation made manifest.

The result of action is a product, in the form of a service or a thing. I often wonder – is it “creation” if there is nothing to show but an idea in your head? And, I keep coming back to the same answer. No. Creation necessitates completion, starting with the energy of an idea and culminating in the product, the something tangible (even if it’s just in the un-seeable form of service rendered).

I have struggled with this for years. On and off, I believed that my inability to act is due to laziness or lack of discipline. But, deep down I know that is just my Shadow talking. I mean, geez, all those years I woke up early to get my kid ready for school, make him lunch, and get him to places he needed to be were years of doing stuff that is not in my nature. Now that he’s grown, I’ve spent entire weekends in my pajamas just because I can and I want to. But, is that “living” just sitting for hours on end, in comfy clothes, with nary a thought of getting anything done?  I know for sure it’s existing. Sitting there deep in thought or meditation, it could be labeled being because that sounds so much more “spiritual.” Some might call it depression, but I really do enjoy doing nothing, and my happiness exists within me.

Lately, people keep telling me that we are “spiritual beings in a human body” as if I’ve never heard that before and they were the first to think of it. The proper quote was from Pierre Tielhard de Chardin:

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Ah … but see?! The people quoting Tielhard de Chardin to me have been misquoting him! Or, giving those folks the benefit of the doubt, I have been mis-hearing them!

In the actual quote, we are having an “experience.” What is that?
Because I’m a word nerd, I looked it up on Merriam-Webster online. It’s first definition is:
a : direct observation of or participation in events as a basis of knowledge
b : the fact or state of having been affected by or gained knowledge through direct observation or participation

So, if I’m interpreting the definition correctly, I can easily have an experience just by watching, observing. It’s sort of a voyeuristic way to live; kind of like the way we live vicariously through others, e.g., actors in productions, sports figures playing their games, or even friend dramas when we gossip about their lives.

I have a tendency to take this a step farther, as I think many people do. I will often come up with an idea, work it out in my head with all the details to make the idea happen. Then, I will let it go. In my mind, literally, the product, service, event, or whatever has a beginning and an end. It never sees the light outside the darkness of my own mind. I’ve always thought I was okay with that.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

But, I’ve recently realized that the idea may come back to niggle at the back of my mind. It may be a feeling of incompleteness or, very rarely, what some may consider as regret. It’s the same thing as when you see something or hear of someone do something innovative and think, “hey! I thought of that!” And maybe think that you should have. For me, I’ve never considered any undone thing to be a regrettable inaction. I’m more inclined to think “hey! That’s cool that someone had the same idea I had and did it! That’s wild that we could have the same thought!”

Thinking back, I could probably trace this to when I was, like, 5 or 6 years old. My family was driving from Chicago to Virginia to visit my family. And, my dad was always the one driving. I thought how great it would be if my mother’s side also had a steering wheel so she could take over driving whenever Dad was tired. Many months later, I saw a TV ad for a driving school where their selling point was that the instructor had his own steering wheel to “take over” driving for safety’s sake (or something like that). I thought, “Hey! That was my idea!” But, I realized I was child and couldn’t do anything about it even if it was my good idea. (Yes, I was a very self-aware child.)

Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arrive.

I’m not a child anymore. And, in the mental back and forth of what it truly means to be alive, I consider whether mental exercises of creation are sufficient. In fact, are you actually creating if there is nothing to show for it? If there is no manifestation of the thought?

And, in all my philosophizing, I consider what it is to be human. What is our purpose in this human experience? Why am I not simply a spiritual being that is . . . spirit? Why was I born into this world?

In the Bible I was raised on, I learned that Man is made in the image of God. What does that mean? That God looks like us? Even before I left my church, I knew and believed that God/dess exists within all living beings. That all my eyes look upon are, in some way, images of God. That is my spiritual belief. But, I know there is truth in religious teachings. We just have to dig deep to understand and find that truth. What is the truth of that statement – man is made in the image of God? And, of course, I acknowledge that there are multiple understandings and multiple truths to any statement because, as with all things, it is a matter of perspective.

One of those truths is that God is a Creator. And, if we are made in His/Her image, we are creators, too. And . . . creation exists outside of a thought. If it didn’t, you and I wouldn’t exist. We would still just be God’s thought.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life,
You were only waiting for this moment to be fre

Yes, as all life coaches and esoteric and rah-rah folks will tell you, manifestation begins with deep imagination, dreaming in detail, of what you want to create and/or accomplish. In our mainstream world, we see corporations and business folks use this as their first step in strategic planning when they write their vision and mission statements. But, it is the action — the planning, the steps taken, and the actual production of the service or physical object  — that completes and makes manifest the creation.

I think it is that feeling of “incompletion” that hurts our soul. Yes, there are things we can let go or leave undone. But, those wonderful things we have imagined, those ideas that begin to spread their wings in the comfort of our minds, need to break free to truly be able to become.

I mis-heard those human guides correctly because we are not only spiritual beings having a human experience, we are also spiritual beings in a human body. We are physical beings, a manifestation of God/dess’ imagined conception; a true complete creation. If part of my purpose is to be an image of God/dess, then it is my purpose to create and manifest. For that, I must act; I must do.

I guess there is much wisdom in Mr. Sinatra’s words. As an image of God/dess, my purpose is to do be do be do. (yeah, I crack myself up!) And, of course, a nice reminder from the Beatles:

All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

P.S., I just watched another YouTube video explaining the background of this song written by Paul McCartney. Supposedly, it was inspired by the Civil Rights movement and the blackbird represents a woman living in oppression. In the context of this essay, I wonder if the worst type of oppression is self-oppression. We limit ourselves and our capabilities by keeping our talents and wisdom hidden and our Selves caged. Hmmm.. what do you think?

I Am the Walrus

Finished grad school. Now what?

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together
See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly
I’m crying

The Beatles’ song, I Am the Walrus, was the B-side of their hit single Hello, Goodbye. When I found that out on Wikipedia, I thought it was serendipity, and I’ll explain that in a bit. I wanted to write this blog as an update to the last blog post – what did I end up doing and where am I now? I’m inspired by listening to songs, so I Googled one for “where am I now.” The walrus song popped up, and it just felt fun and right to me.

So, the things I’m reading about I Am the Walrus is that it was written as a nonsense song. At this moment, right now as I write this, I feel like “nonsense,” in its most whimsical sense, is the very word that applies to my life. Two years after my last post, I did “do it all!” I went to grad school and graduated this past June with an M.A. in Transpersonal Psychology, a specialization in spiritual psychology and certificates in transpersonal ecopsychology and creative expressions. I did everything I could possibly do in the time I allotted myself for school. But …. now what?

Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun
If the sun don’t come, you get a tan
From standing in the English rain

I went to grad school not because having the degree would enhance any career opportunities I might have. I went simply for the love of learning. And, the program I entered taught all those things I had already been (unknowingly) learning for myself in the articles, books, and random webinars and seminars I’d been taking. However, I did go in thinking that, over the course of the two years, I would come out with a better understanding of what I was to do with my life, career-wise.

Four months after graduation, as jobless as I was before and with no idea of what types of jobs I can apply to, I might say I’m no closer to fulfilling that particular area of “adulting” than I was two years ago. I might say that, but I won’t. Since July, I’ve embarked on three potential career opportunities. One of them didn’t pan out; another has been put on hold. And, the third just presented itself a couple of weeks ago.

Though I did not come to a definite idea of my career path while I was in grad school, what I did learn (and continue to discover) is my authentic Self, my purpose in this life, the innate gifts I possess, and the knowledge and experience I have to offer. At the moment, all these things point to coaching as a profession. The irony is that I’ve been telling everyone who has suggested coaching (or that I go into the coaching program) a firm and definite “NO!” I have had a business coach and a life coach, so it is definitely something I believe has value. It was just something I couldn’t see myself doing. So, I reframed my idea of coaching.

In my first quarter of grad school, I was writing in my journal and channeled a poem (this was just the beginning of how my innate gifts began presenting themselves to me and me remembering what some of them are). In it, I was told that part of my life’s purpose is to be a “healer of healers.” The understanding of what that means has been, and is, unraveling slowly. Coincidentally, many of my former classmates are, themselves, healers of all forms – from energetic healers in the esoteric world to people who have or want to create programs that help people heal from their various traumas. And, as I worked through my grad program, I found I have an ability to “hold space” for people. Again, in the esoteric world, this may mean energetic space. But, what does that really even mean? From a very grounded and practical standpoint, it simply means that I can listen well, with compassion, without judgement, and with total acceptance of the speaker’s truth, pain, challenge, or what-have-you. Isn’t it interesting how changing verbiage allows one to change perspective to better understand?

I say high, you say low
You say why and I say I don’t know, oh no

 I decided that part of my “job” in this world is to help those who help others in the way I can best do it just by being myself.

So, if it didn’t occur to you in previous blog posts over the years, I’m a bit of a “woo-woo” gal. You wouldn’t know it to look at me. I rarely wear the uniform or have the affectations of someone you’d consider a neo-hippie or spiritual seeker (though my one allowance to this was to wear a flower crown for my graduation). And … gasp! I have an undergraduate degree in business from a top-rated school. My work experience has been with helping small businesses get into the black or increase their profitability by implementing policies and procedures and streamlining their efforts. These are seemingly strict, hardline things for the flowy, free-spirited person I am. Yet, it all works together, within me. I can dream big, embrace and practice the spiritual, and still convert all of it to practical actions explained with mainstream terminology. And, vice versa! What I have found I’m good at doing is advising (still don’t like the word “coach”) creative and spiritual people like myself establish their businesses/nonprofit/career path by identifying their fears, reframing their understanding of them, and break through blockages so they can take affirmative action.

The serendipity I mentioned before is found in that the intention for this blog post is that it is my way of completing the last chapter of my life and starting this new one. So, really, I’m saying, “Goodbye. Hello!”

You say yes
I say no
You say stop
and I say go go go

In our current socio-political climate, there is a tremendous need for people who help others and spread the love in their own authentic ways. The time for recognizing, acknowledging, and putting into action our individual gifts to benefit humanity is NOW. That sounds so lofty and high-reaching. But, is it really? How often do we suppress our authentic selves, disregard the knowledge and gifts within for fear that we won’t fit into social norms or that doing so would affect our financial lives, or . . . whatever. There are so many reasons, so many excuses. Most point to fear. Is it possible that the fact there are now thousands of coaches offering their services point to the fact that tens of thousands are tired of living this way? In my own way, I have decided to do my part to heal the disconnect many feel in their lives.

With this blog post, I close with “goodbye” and hail with a new “hello! So glad to see you again!” I will be posting other blog entries through two other channels on www.earth-connect.org , the social organization I’m in the process of creating with a friend, and on http://www.spiritualreflectionsadvising.com, which isn’t yet live but will house my spiritual business advising (coaching) efforts. I hope you’ll come to visit me there. For personal, spiritual editorials, you can continue to find me here at Falling Upwards.

Btw, for those who read the last post, my son also took an alternate route in life. He took a “leave of absence” from his undergrad where he was bored, unmotivated, and unhappy. He came home. But instead of taking a year off to breathe a little, he applied and is going to grad school. It turns out you don’t necessarily need an undergraduate degree to get your masters if the graduate program is an out-of-the-box, alternative one that values knowledge and experience over degrees. My wonderful son is also innately a healer and is studying Oriental medicine.

I hope you’ll continue to follow me in my journey. I have so much to share with you – stuff I learned in school and stuff I’m learning on my own, but which I think I may have known all along. I’m sure there’s stuff I can also learn from you. Maybe we can explore a topic a month together? Let me know!

P.S., I’ll update this once I create my spiritual business advising website. And, if you want to find out about healing through Nature, follow our fanpage on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/EarthConnectOrg/

I, I Did It All

Recently, I’ve been looking for a new job. I more or less gave up my photography business when I agreed to help my mother with her businesses (a medical practice and a residential care facility) a year and half ago. My intention was to go full steam ahead with my business when my son went away to college. I would now have the time to fully commit. Instead, I’ve spent the past 1.5 yrs bringing stability to two businesses for which I have no interest. But, I don’t regret it. I did it for love. I did it for my mother.

“Hope when you take that jump, you don’t fear the fall
Hope when the water rises, you built a wall
Hope when the crowd screams out, they’re screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs, you choose to stay”

Any change is difficult. But, as we all know, change is healthy and necessary for growth. And, even though this wasn’t the change I was expecting, my life has definitely changed. One of the positive things from the past year is that it has given me the time to decide whether investing more time in photography was what I really wanted to do. I’ve never been as passionate about it as most other photographers I know. As one friend put it, “[you] don’t carry your camera everywhere with you.” But, giving up something that I’ve been doing, that I know, is scary. Still… I kept thinking that there was something else out there for me.

My issue this past year has been in trying to figure out what the “something” is. So, last December, I went to see a career counselor. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d written an actual resume, and I truly didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, … and, oops… here I was middle-aged and, supposedly, grown. What I learned in our meetings surprised me. Very little of my interests had to do with photography and more to do with spirituality, community/volunteering, holistic health/lifestyle, and food. (If you were a FB friend, you wouldn’t be surprised by that last one.) So, I began to look for things in those areas, including possibly going back to school.

“Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad
The only way you can know is give it all you have
And I hope that you don’t suffer but take the pain
Hope when the moment comes, you’ll say…”

I told very few people about my findings, that I was considering going back for an M.A. I told those I knew it would affect — my family members and a few close friends.But, now, here’s where I got a surprise. The folks I thought might be unsupportive (namely some in my family) were completely supportive of the idea, even knowing that I’m financial strapped as it is and going back to school will be an even larger financial burden. But, the bigger surprise was that the one person I thought would be most supportive (because she always has been) got angry at me. Angry. (I repeat that word ‘cuz I’m still baffled by it.)

My Good Friend’s opinion is that I need to take grow up, get a job, any job, and take care of my finances. Now, mind you, I have very few expenses, excellent credit and really want for nothing. I may not have all the “extras,” but I’m grateful for what I have and believe that Source/God/dess (whatever you wanna call It) will provide. And, I’m not silly enough to let myself (or my kid) starve and be homeless because I’m too proud to work at Micky D’s. But, because she has been one of my guides for so long and because I respect her opinion, I began to doubt to myself.

In fact, the doubt grew so strong, it turned into fear; fear that I cannot provide for myself, fear that I won’t be able to get a decent-paying job (her opinion is that I should be an AA because that’s all I can do, even though I’m grossly over-qualified for all AA positions); fear that, as a middle-aged woman, I really have no choices or opportunities left.

Around this same time, my son started to have serious problems his second year in college. His grades started to dip; he can’t shake off feelings of depression; and, he has been ill with one virus or another since the beginning of the year. His words to me (via text) were “idk if classes are the right way to go.” What do you tell your kid when he pretty much says he wants to drop out of school? Ok… now what do you tell your kid, who’s been telling you since sophomore year of high school that he doesn’t like school and how things are taught? I’ve been telling him he needed to “play the game.” But, now he says, “I don’t want to play this game anymore.”

“Hope that you spend your days, but they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes, I’ll say…”

Then, because my angels and guides speak to me through the internet (maybe), interesting articles began to pop up on my wall and in my feed. One was from a Reddit post by a 40-something man who felt he wasted his life. Another was a compilation of inspiring life lesson quotes by Rumi. (Just click on the links if you want to read them) The author of the Rumi quotes article listed the #2 life lesson as “Your job is to live your life in a way that makes sense to you, not them.” Well, if that didn’t hit me between the eyes!…

What I realized is that is DOESN’T make sense to live in fear, according to somebody’s else’s concept of what should or shouldn’t be and playing society’s game when it’s one you “don’t want to play.”

I’m 46 years old. Yes, my time in the workforce is now limited, but that just means I’m not going to settle for any old job. I’m going to get one that has meaning for me; one in which I can contribute and learn. Or, I’ll get a part-time job and go back to school to learn more stuff. I haven’t decided yet! And, I’ve got at least 40 more years of life to have more adventures and experiences.

As for my son, he’s at the beginning of his life. He, as a young adult, is at his peak, invincible. Why must he go through school the “proper” way? Why not take the time now to explore while he has the energy and is young enough to fail again and again with few consequences? So, as his mom, I’m encouraging him to take a “leave of absence” from school to get his health back on track, figure out what he wants to do and maybe go an adventure of his own.

I’m sure some people read the last two paragraphs and cringed. I know my Good Friend would. But, here’s something else I learned in the past year and a half…. your good friends may love you, but they don’t know what’s best for you. Only you know what’s best for you. I learned to listen to Myself, to trust my inner voice. And, in doing so, I also learned to hear what my son was really saying.

I think, though, that the hardest part in all this was the part I didn’t expect I had to do, which was to let go of my Friend. She was the last in a group of “friends” I recently let go because of their negativity. Don’t get me wrong… I”m not a fountain of positive words and actions all the time myself. But, I started listening to my body when it was telling me that certain people made me feel bad, about myself, about my situation. Being around them made me feel tired, sad, uninspired, and that was not the energy I wanted around myself. I plan to live a fearless life, in the Now, full of possibility,…  that is the sort of energy with which I choose to surround myself…. so that, someday, I can say..

“I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived

With every broken bone, I swear I lived.
With every broken bone, I swear I…

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places, the things that I did
With every broken bone, I swear I lived.”

Dreaming about the things that we could be…

Yesterday morning, I stopped to talk to a man in my fave, local coffee shop. He was sitting at a table making chain mail. Yup… you read that right… chain mail. I questioned him about it at length; asked who he was making it for and what its uses were, etc. He giggled, thinking it was funny that some random little girl was asking him about chain mail. I told him I thought it was a very cool hobby and an interesting skill.

The night before, I’d had a lovely conversation with my son who has called me less than a half dozen times since starting college last Fall. So, the few times we’ve talk, they’ve been longer conversations during which he’ll talk about something on his mind that he needs a different perspective on because he can’t figure it out for himself, and it is often the social aspect of college. My kid is inherently introverted and finds it difficult to make friends. In fact, though he seems to be superficially outgoing and friendly, he finds it difficult to understand and deal with people in general. It’s genetics. His father was the same, and so am I. His dad and I both had to come out of our “shells” in college and learn how to socialize.

“And my face is flashing signs
Seek it out and you shall find”

I told my son that when I meet someone, I ask them about themselves, not only to get to know them but because I love to hear people’s stories. Every person I’ve ever met has had an interesting, often times inspirational or educational, story to tell. Every person has something crazy cool about them, regardless of how they may appear on the surface. Had I not seen the man making chain mail at the coffee shop, I would never have known that this random person has an interest in, and has deeply researched, a period of history and a specific craft that one would think is obsolete in this day and age. In fact, he told me that much of what he makes is used by divers and people who handle animals, among other things. It’s amazing what things you learn just by talking to people about their interests.

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be, we’ll be counting stars”

I read a free iBook yesterday about a man and his robot girlfriend (His Robot Girlfriend). The robot pretty much started doing everything for him, all the menial, household tasks that he wasn’t doing for himself because he was busy sitting on the couch watching TV. By changing his diet and encouraging him to exercise, she helped him to become healthier and have more energy. And, with her industrious example, he started to use his time to do projects around the house, then to start working on a book he’d been meaning to write. The robot girlfriend encouraged him to be disciplined, care for himself and put time into his passions, to become a better, more complete, version of himself; reach for and attain his “possibilities.”

Old, but I’m not that old
Young, but I’m not that bold
I don’t think the world is sold
I’m just doing what we’re told
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing
I could lie, could lie, could lie
Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly”

Through my conversations with people, I’ve learned  a couple of things : (1) we are all the same, and (2) we are all crazy interesting and unique.

Every single person, every human being, has their story, whether happy, sad, hopeful or whatever … we all come from someplace and someone, and we all have our “whys” as to how we got to where we each are at this moment in time. We have this commonality across the board.

Also, every single person has their “possibilities,” whether we are currently acting upon them or they still lie in our future. These possibilities are unique to each person. What makes you drown makes me fly. There can be no judgement there because, despite how differently you see the world, how different your beliefs, your interests or actions, now or in the future may be, despite our “differences,” we are truly all the same in that we each have a story.

And, in this world that seems so divided by politics, religion, social and economic perspectives, or what-have-you, we all live under and count the same stars.

Lately, I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be
But baby, I’ve been, I’ve been praying hard,
Said, no more counting dollars
We’ll be counting stars”

To Everything there is a Season

… and a time to every purpose, under Heaven.

Today, I went for a walk. And, there was a very specific purpose for that walk. I walked to a place that is sacred to me, a place where I have, in the past, been able to reflect and find peace during times in my life when I was in inner turmoil. This time was no different. But instead of just sitting there to think and, perhaps, to journal, I needed to bury something; to physically, symbolically cut ties with a certain person who has appeared on this blog numerous times.

Without going into too much detail, I created a little ceremony for myself in order to sever a connection with “Milo” (whom I’ve written of in the past). I took heart-shaped pieces of paper and, on each one, wrote our names and the names of those I feel he and I have been in shared past lives. I tore each piece in two so that the two names would no longer be connected then burned the pile of torn paper while giving thanks to God/dess for the lessons, the love and the connection we have shared and praying for more beneficial relationships in the future that will also lead me to more lessons, love and connection. It was the ashes of the paper I needed to bury to complete my “ceremony.”

As I walked over the footbridge that crossed the lake on my hike in order to get to my sacred place, I remembered the last time I’d walked that path with Milo in mind. At the time, the lake was full, teeming with fish. And, as I looked over it, I saw the ripples in the water and composed a poem:


What effect has my one pebble
when compared to the ripples made by the wind?

Is God’s hand not greater than mine,
large enough to diminish my careless toss?

waves abound,
made by the stirrings of many

So why does my hand hesitate
to cast my stone far and wide?

Why not make my fleeting mark
upon the vastness of this little lake?

(Frances Marie Reilly – 5.21.10)

Four years later, and I finally felt the change I needed within me. And, as I walked, a heron flew towards me, then stopped at a rock and seemed to point, with its beak, the direction of my path. (Why do I mention this? Google “animal spirits meaning heron”.)

At my special spot, I sat on a rock, closed my eyes and felt the wind, listened to the birds and creek while I prayed for completion, for closure and openness. I gave gratitude for the love, the patience of the Universe (as I felt I’ve lived through this cycle and have had to learn these lessons repeatedly, over eons), and the God-given strength I knew to exist within me. I meditated, listened and felt the energy of the Earth, of the Sky and the Wind, then drank Water to cleanse. Nobody’s ritual but my own, I knew, in my core, this was all necessary. Lastly, I dug a hole near some daisy-like flowers (so fitting, because I have always associated that flower with Milo), and as I filled it, again gave gratitude and put into it the intention of closure, change and growth.

As I walked back from whence I came, I reflected on the lightness I felt in my core. I realized that I was doing something I LOVE. I love to hike. This was a significant realization for me because it was the very thing I have been agonizing over for at least two years. In trying to decide on a career path, the question of “what do you love to do?” often arises, and, to my dismay, I have thought “I don’t really love to do anything.” I have been in a dark place of sadness thinking that I truly felt I had no passions in my life and that, somehow, that made me a lesser person. And, because of this, I would never “make my fleeting mark upon the vastness of this little lake.” But, here I was… just having completed a symbolic act, and at that moment, the sense of lack, of lowered self-worth lifted in some strange way. All because I realized that I love love love walking in nature.

Almost to my car, I stopped to watch a hummingbird, which seemed to stop to watch me. Google “hummingbird spirit animal,” and you’ll find “The hummingbird spirit animal symbolizes the enjoyment of life and lightness of being.” I also love that “this fascinating bird is capable of the most amazing feats despite its small size…” because I’m 4’10”!!

Can you feel my joy through this post?! In one short walk, I managed to let go a Love that no longer served me (a very difficult thing to do indeed), to reclaim that part of my heart so that, with a whole heart, I am open to new Love, to new experiences and lessons. I remembered my powerful Self – that through intention and ceremony (and maybe a bit of magic), I reclaimed, or just recognized, my inner strength and felt my Light and knew Passion.

It is so hard, in one blog post, to really convey everything I took away from my hike. The symbolism of the two animal totems – the heron and the hummingbird – are even more significant if I could tell you my whole story, my life in the present and the truly difficult, but necessary, situation I deal with daily. But, really, we all have those challenges in our lives. We all have the times we can’t figure out who we are, where we need to be, what we need to do. We all have things we need to let go, whether it’s stuff or, with more difficulty, people. And all these things wear us down, day after day, and its challenging to keep the darkness at bay (some times, we don’t even know it’s there) and remain positive through it all.

But, look at what I remembered. We are, each of us, so very strong inside. We were born that way, born with the strength to accept and live through the challenges and lesson Life gives us, and made even stronger by meeting those challenges which, with lessons learned, increase the Light within.

This time that is upon us now is a good time, a good season. I, for one, am looking forward to the new challenges ahead and finding my passions and my strength, my light. For, it is my time, my season, as it is … yours.

A time to build up,a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace, a time to refrain from embracing

To Everything (Turn, Turn, Turn)
There is a season (Turn, Turn, Turn)
And a time to every purpose, under Heaven

A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late