Falling Upwards

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Things Left Undone January 3, 2014

I was just reading my last post on “commitment” and, being as it’s the beginning of the new year, the traditional time of the year to make new commitments, I have to take pause – review, rethink.

It’s been over a year since I posted last. I’d written “if we want something bad enough, we make it happen, right? Even if our goals aren’t accomplished the first time around, we keep trying, push past the failure, until we get what we want, or something that is better.” And, I still believe that to be true. But, sometimes, life throws us a curveball, and we have to adapt our swing, change our goals or, at least, the timeline.

“When your life is over and you’re reaching the end,
River of Jordan is around the bend,
Will you be counting all the trophies you won?
Or will you look back on the things left undone?

I was determined, last year, to put my photography business on the road to success. The plan was to implement all my marketing ideas and really start booking shoots and making money in the business. What actually happened the latter half of the year was the complete opposite. First, I lost my largest “client.” The organization decided that they were perfectly happy having me photograph their events for free and, now that we had come to the point where I should be properly compensated for my efforts (even after the many thousands of dollars they’d saved with me as their photographer for the past two years), they happily let me go to “hire” another photographer. I took that event as a positive thing as I had become quite unhappy with our relationship.

….

I started this post last night when I’d written everything above. I was going to go on about how so many things happened to make me re-think my commitment to having a successful photography business, including losing the client, the death of my grandmother (for whose funeral arrangements I was responsible), going to the Philippines (for grandma’s funeral) and getting caught in Super Typhoon Haiyen (Yolanda), and leaving my home in San Diego for extended periods of time in order to help my mother with her businesses (I would drop everything, except anything for my son, to help my mother). How can I possibly continue as a photographer when it seems life is pointing me elsewhere?

I couldn’t quite complete the post because I was so torn as to where it was going. I mean… I make commitments all the time and, when they’re made to others, I will always follow through. But, the promises I make to myself, whether they be in business or personal life, somehow get put on the back burner.

I looked around my home and saw the many, many projects left undone — paintings partially completed and barely begun, books half read (like a mountain of them), even food in the fridge I’d meant to turn into some yummy dish but ended up throwing out because I’d never gotten around to cooking, and it spoiled.

I was in this frame of mind when I’d titled this blog post and found this video with the words that described how I felt last night — the fear of letting another year go with so much left undone.

“Do you regret, Love, all the things left undone?
Do you regret?

Then, this morning, I watched this Ted talk:

It is given by Diana Nyad, a woman who this past year, at the age of 64, completed an epic journey, swimming from Cuba to the U.S.; a journey she began in her 20s.

In the midst of my “rethinking and reviewing” and just going back and forth in my head as to my photography business and all the other half-completed, unfulfilled promises and commitments to myself, I watch this video and some of her words just jump out and touch me:

“Isn’t life about the journey and not the destination?”

Yet, Ms. Nyad does also say, “Of course I want to make it across. It is the goal.” We all want to keep our commitments. We all want to reach our goals. And, as much as I’ve always believed in her first statement and have always considered my journey the reason for my life, I also want that feeling of satisfaction, of completion. I want to end my life (when the time comes) to know that I’ve done and created. 

So, I start today, the third day of January, with more hope that I have enough time to complete my many paintings, to read my many books and to be successful (in my definition of “success”) as a photographer. It took Ms. Nyad forty years to reach her goal. I am only just 45 now myself. There is so much more time, and I’m walking my path on my epic journey at my own pace. I have the time to fail a hundred times over before I can succeed. And, more importantly, I can be forgiving and compassionate with myself, to allow myself that time.

I think, though, that more than Ms. Nyad’s words of commitment, promise and hope to “never, ever give up” are her very wise words that:

“Every day of our lives is epic.”

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The Commitment November 30, 2012

A couple days ago, I had what I thought would be my last phone call with my life coaching group. I had told them a month ago that our Wednesday afternoon time slot was not working for me so I would have to leave the group if we couldn’t change it to another time. Well… after much discussion (some of it quite emotional), we didn’t change the time. And, I’m not leaving the group.

You see … after a month of trying to figure something out, with some of the ladies expressing that they’d be very sad not only for me but for themselves were I to leave the group, two of them spoke up with a bit of anger and annoyance towards me. They felt frustration; that my excuses for not being able to re-arrange my schedule to accomodate a standing, weekly engagement was just that — excuses.  They felt they were getting an ultimatum from me but no commitment. And, though I felt a twinge of hurt, I wasn’t offended at all nor did I take it personally. Because… they were right.

In the months we’ve been having our conference call sessions, the last 10 minutes of this call taught me the most about myself and my life.  Heck, maybe it taught me about life in general.

I realized that were I to make a definite commitment to being in the group, that were I to make it a priority in my life to participate in those calls, all those conflicts I said I had would begin to fall away. I realized that the Universe would shape around me, my desires, my goals so that I can my commitment.

After all, if we want something bad enough, we make it happen, right? Even if our goals aren’t accomplished the first time around, we keep trying, push past the failure, until we get what we want, or something that is better.

“We go from pimps to prophets, liars to logic
Zoo to drug abusers, survivors of the projects
My mind sets to clarity, predicting me well
A sign past the tragedy, commitment to self”

A conscious breakthrough I had in that group “meeting” is that I’ve been hesitant to make any kinds of commitments in my life these past few years. I can make excuses like (yes, this is the one that popped up in my head immediately) I’m unconsciously waiting for a great change to occur what with the 2012 shift coming and all… but, really? how’s change supposed to occur if we don’t consciously make the effort for it?

“I will live my life full of conscious
I’ll be the god amongst monsters
I’ll exercise more often
I’ll walk my talk and keep talking”

And, day after day, while I sit here at my computer desk trolling through Facebook and dating sites while watching t.v. and just baffled by the fact that I get nothing done and my house is a mess and why can’t I find time for myself and my kid…. gah! and, duh! I had made no absolute commitments – to helping my son with his college apps, to losing the 10 lbs. I gained this summer, to getting my home in working order, to really, really making a go of my business (which is gonna be my only livelihood in less than a year). I think about those things, but I didn’t, in my heart, commit to making those things happen.

And, why? Well… my inner shrink tells me I have a fear of failure (I was diagnosed with it in college). And, there it is again — fear. Now that I know what it is, now that I’m aware of it, I can change — my outlook, my actions, my verbiage even. I can create, or re-create, the reality around me.

“In the midst of the risk we became better people
Life is a movie, I’m a change the sequel
We owe it to ourselves, evolve out of Hell
Even for my folks behind bars in the cell
Stay well, it’s still a challenge
Reflect upon greatness, embrace it to your balance
Ultimate awareness comes from when you seek the truth
See, life is a journey, plans and patience
Know that you’re worthy, transformation
Manifestation of creation as we know it
Red’ll rip redundant abomination of culprits
The life they giving you is all subliminal
Now we must commit and take back our principles
Turn hate to satisfaction, anger into action
Greed into giving and passive into passion”

The lyrics above say it perfectly. I’m changing my story, my sequel. Do it with me … come on… change your reality, change our reality. Make the commitment. I have.

The Commitment – by Sabac Red

 

It’s Always Better When We’re Together November 7, 2012

Filed under: love — frannymarie @ 4:06 pm
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

It’s been sort of a dramatic two days, full of emotion of my part – first, with the elections last night then, this afternoon, on a phone call regarding a friend’s love life. What have I gotten out of the ups and downs of my last two days? Simply this …

Every thing should be easy!

No… really… I mean it. I wonder, at times, why there is so much strife in the world. I understand that, as humans, we value that for which we fight and have to take a stand and pour our hearts into. But, really, must we have to fight for everything? And, by that, I mean — aren’t there things that should just be no-brainers? Things that should just come easily, with no dissension, no animosity or hard-feelings; things that just are or become because they’re right.

Prop 37 in California, for instance, is something that you’d think would have passed easily. You would think that people would want to know what’s in their food and would want to be informed and have the ability to choose. I don’t care if you put GMOs in my food. But, I want to know — darned it! — so I can choose to eat it or not it. It’s really pretty simple. Why did it have to come down to a fight against the big companies for them to do the right thing?

Then, there’s Love (romantic love, friendship love, whatever love). If two people love each other, and they have the time to be together (and WANT to be together), why can’t they just have a relationship? It can be for this moment, or this day or week, year, the rest of their lives….
Why does so much thought have to go into whether or not we ought to have a relationship with this person or that? Beyond maybe social and moral limitations, why can’t two people who enjoy being together just… BE together?

I think our brains get in the way. We start thinking about the all the possible negatives so we hesitate.

I also think, though, that if we come together to remind each other of the good in everything and everyone, there can be a positive (and quick) change in this world. If we stand together in love and harmony (sounds like a Coke song), the fears and the doubts will dissipate. Without all that fear and with support, understanding and hope for each other, I think life would be easier. Life would be better.

“Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepia-toned loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing, it’s always better when we’re together”

Better Together – Jack Johnson

 

You’re the Inspiration June 13, 2012

Filed under: resources — frannymarie @ 10:30 am
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In September, last year, I started seeing a business coach. She helped me tremendously in getting my photography business re-started, and she continues to help me grow it so that it will be profitable this year (for the first time in five years). I was so impressed by what I’ve learned and how I continue to grow in my business that I hired another coach — a life coach.

I think one reason I’ve found the coaching to be invaluable is because of the stories of the other men and women in my two coaching groups. What they share about the way they live and how they do things serve as inspiration to me to become a better person — a better business owner, a better mom, and better ME.

But, as I sit here this morning looking through the posts on my Facebook wall, I realize that I garner that inspiration through many other channels as well. One source is the posts by Belief Energy, a community fanpage. I got curious enough this morning to look up their actual webpage and was/am so impressed by what I read that I felt the need to do a blog post and share it with you.

As I continue to fall upwards in my life journey, I know there will be times when I’ll veer from my path, when the necessities of everyday life cloud the lens and make me lose my focus. There will be times when, planning and worrying about the future, I’ll forget to enjoy and revel in the present moments. It is times like these when it becomes more imperative to surround myself with the positive energies of others, whether through my coaching sessions, through reading others’ blogs, spending time with people who inspire me, or… just taking a moment to BE.

Perhaps you and I can inspire each other…

How?  Well, taking from one of Belief Energy’s posts:  “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world need is people who come alive.” –Howard Thurmann

So, Let’s BE alive together.

 

I Won’t Give Up on Us March 15, 2012

“… even if the skies get rough..”  — Jason Mraz

In the last year or more, the theme of things ending has been re-occurring…  the end of relationships, the end of the world, the of end times…

I know a group of people who are preparing for the apocalypse (or, at least that’s what it seems like they’re doing); making sure they have stockpiles of food, know how to defend themselves when anarchy hits, have everything they need in the event society breaks down. I guess this is an extreme form of emergency preparedness. I find it, though practical, to be a bit sad.

I must be the kind of person who has unconditional HOPE … “to expect with confidence,” as defined by Merriem-Webster. I expect that society will progress to become more civilized, not less. And, I am confident that, despite the many setbacks (and crazy proposals the Republican party currently seems to espouse — yes, I went there.. to the political) our society continually seems to undergo, we will.. as a community, as a nation, as a civilization.. grow.

“I don’t wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I’m here to stay and make the difference that I can make…”

I know a man who should be Lightworker. (Well, I guess we are all lightworkers according to Lightworkers.org .)  He believes, like the group mentioned above, that there is Darkness on the horizon; that our society is in a spiritual war, and the dark is winning, at the moment. I agree with him … I agree there has been a spiritual, energy war happening, but I believe that the Light is winning. I can feel it in my bones, in my dreams and in my very Being.

But, I might just be the kind of person who has unconditional FAITH … in God/Goddess, the Universe, whatever you wanna call it, that all is happening as it should and all will be right in this world. Merriem-Webster’s definition is: “something that is believed especially with strong conviction;  belief and trust in and loyalty to God.” It also considers the word “trust” synonymous with “hope,” with the additional qualifer of “dependence on something future.” Yes… I completely depend on the future turning out wonderfully. I insist upon it. I completely believe and trust everything, everyone will become amazing.  I am looking forward to it. And, I will do my part to ensure that it happens by spreading my joy, my light, as much as I can to all around me.

“Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake…”

This same man I just mentioned also happen to be my Twin Soul (aka, twin flame, something a bit more than just a soulmate). Because of many misunderstandings, he and I cannot be friends at this time. It makes me sad, but it is where we both need to be at this time. And, the very concept of having a Twin says that he and I are learning, growing, progressing in the same direction, together (even while we’re physically apart). That, alone, is exciting. But since we have this awkwardness, and strange energy, between us, a few of  my friends have suggested I give up on him, forget him.

But, I know I am absolutely the kind of person who can LOVE unconditionally … no strings, no expectations, no desire for benefit…  just… Love.

“unconditional: not conditional or limited (M-W.com)”  There is no limit to what I feel for this man, as there is no limit for my love for my son, my family and my friends. I will be there for him, for them, when they need me. There is also no limit on how much I will keep my Hope and Trust that our world and humanity will rise to what it is meant to become — the very best. I will not, cannot, stop loving and showing love no matter how dark and scary and depressing things seem, with either my Twin or the world or what have you. Because..  as I have learned.. this is simply who I am.

“And in the end, you’re still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn’t break, we didn’t burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I’ve got, and what I’m not
And who I am

I won’t give up on us (no I’m not giving up)
God knows I’m tough, he knows (I am tough, I am loved)
We’ve got a lot to learn (we’re alive, we are loved)
God knows we’re worth it (and we’re worth it)

I won’t give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I’m giving you all my love
I’m still looking up”

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I have died everyday waiting for you February 26, 2012

Filed under: awareness,love — frannymarie @ 11:15 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

“…Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
for a thousand years
I will love you for a thousand more.”
—Christina Perri

Last night I saw my “soul friend” (I’ll call him “Milo”) for the first time again in a year. There was no hug, no hello, no good-bye. And, he tried his very best not to talk to me, though we were seated half a table away from each other. Just the thought of it now makes me sad. Last April, he’d made the very difficult decision to stop talking to me. He thought our friendship was hurting everyone around us. The only time he broke his silence was to reprimand me for gossiping, or so he thought it was me feeding his girlfriend (ex, at this point) lies about the two of us. It was causing her hurt. Never mind the pain it caused me to be accused of something like that…

Two weeks ago, I had sent him a final email telling him that I will love him for the rest of my life; that, whenever he feels lonely, he only needs to remember that there’s someone out there (here) who carries love for him and sends it to him, energetically, daily. Two weeks ago, I had “abnormal cells” that might have been pre-cancerous. Last week, after surgery to cut out those cells and knowing I had done everything to I could to complete my karma with Milo, I erased his number from my cell and archived the hundreds of emails. I think both the surgery and my actions were physical ways to wipe the slate clean.

“…How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall..”

Last night, as I was sitting at that dinner table, trying to assess my feelings and still give off positive feelings to my friends and son around me, I got a sad text from my sister. She had just had a very difficult conversation with the man she had just started dating and who she obviously (to me) had already fallen in love with. Turns out he decided he doesn’t want children. And, my sister has been trying to have a child (even before she met him). His feeling is that they do not continue the relationship because it would prevent more pain in the future. If she succeeds in getting pregnant, that would be the deal breaker for him and… what if… what if he, and she, are more attached at that point. There would be a lot of pain.

Why are we all so afraid?

Last night, I made a conscious decision to go to that dinner. I did not want to skip out on spending time with my friends (and all-you-can-eat bulgogi) because I was afraid of my reactions and being around one of the guests. If, at the last moment, it didn’t feel right to me, then fine… I would have left. But, I did not want Fear to make my decision for me ahead of time.

Why would this man my sister is seeing make a decision to cut short their possibility for happiness now because he’s afraid they may both be hurt later on? It is already inevitable. We hurt those we love, we are hurt by those we love… sometimes, there’s a happy ending, sometimes the ending sucks. But, in between it all, there is that wonderous, beautiful time. And, that love may still exist afterwards. What’s so bad about knowing that someone loves you, and you return that love, even if you cannot be together?

Does it take the possibility of having cancer for people to value the time they have? Life is so short. Tomorrow, I may… well, I may not have a tomorrow.  So, let me love you for today, for this moment.

“…Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this
One step closer…

I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling don’t be afraid
I have loved you
for a thousand years
I’ll love for a thousand more.”

 

It’s the end of the world as we know it… January 8, 2012

Filed under: esoteric,resources — frannymarie @ 10:29 am
Tags: , , , ,

… and I feel fiiiiine….”
— REM

Just wanted to share this post with you on 2012.

What the Mayan Elders are Saying About 2012 by Carlos Barrios

Last year, I had several little talks with my kid about 2012. Rather, he asked me a lot of questions… what is it? is the world ending? are we going to die…? Mind you, he is not a little kid. He’s a teenager. All the propaganda and hype and buzz was enough to make him worry.. needlessly.

I explained to him my belief, that this year would not signal the end of the world, rather, there will be a massive change, a shift in: perception, the way we do things, our lifestyles, our priorities,…

In essence, yes, there will be an end, a death, but it would be …
an end to materialism leading to living more simplistic lifestyles;
an end to prejudism and hate, with people becoming more compassionate and accepting;
an end to, essentially, all those negativities, darkness, actions and perceptions that no longer serve our world and humanity.

As with anything in nature, the end serves as a new beginning. A chance for us to re-create our world, our society, our lives into one that benefits the Universe as a whole. A chance for us to have lives that are more, if you will, God-centered.

I could go on about this, but I’m gonna go enjoy this beautiful day and prepare to have some friends over. So, I’ll leave you with this thought…