“…Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
for a thousand years
I will love you for a thousand more.”
Last night I saw my “soul friend” (I’ll call him “Milo”) for the first time again in a year. There was no hug, no hello, no good-bye. And, he tried his very best not to talk to me, though we were seated half a table away from each other. Just the thought of it now makes me sad. Last April, he’d made the very difficult decision to stop talking to me. He thought our friendship was hurting everyone around us. The only time he broke his silence was to reprimand me for gossiping, or so he thought it was me feeding his girlfriend (ex, at this point) lies about the two of us. It was causing her hurt. Never mind the pain it caused me to be accused of something like that…
Two weeks ago, I had sent him a final email telling him that I will love him for the rest of my life; that, whenever he feels lonely, he only needs to remember that there’s someone out there (here) who carries love for him and sends it to him, energetically, daily. Two weeks ago, I had “abnormal cells” that might have been pre-cancerous. Last week, after surgery to cut out those cells and knowing I had done everything to I could to complete my karma with Milo, I erased his number from my cell and archived the hundreds of emails. I think both the surgery and my actions were physical ways to wipe the slate clean.
“…How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall..”
Last night, as I was sitting at that dinner table, trying to assess my feelings and still give off positive feelings to my friends and son around me, I got a sad text from my sister. She had just had a very difficult conversation with the man she had just started dating and who she obviously (to me) had already fallen in love with. Turns out he decided he doesn’t want children. And, my sister has been trying to have a child (even before she met him). His feeling is that they do not continue the relationship because it would prevent more pain in the future. If she succeeds in getting pregnant, that would be the deal breaker for him and… what if… what if he, and she, are more attached at that point. There would be a lot of pain.
Why are we all so afraid?
Last night, I made a conscious decision to go to that dinner. I did not want to skip out on spending time with my friends (and all-you-can-eat bulgogi) because I was afraid of my reactions and being around one of the guests. If, at the last moment, it didn’t feel right to me, then fine… I would have left. But, I did not want Fear to make my decision for me ahead of time.
Why would this man my sister is seeing make a decision to cut short their possibility for happiness now because he’s afraid they may both be hurt later on? It is already inevitable. We hurt those we love, we are hurt by those we love… sometimes, there’s a happy ending, sometimes the ending sucks. But, in between it all, there is that wonderous, beautiful time. And, that love may still exist afterwards. What’s so bad about knowing that someone loves you, and you return that love, even if you cannot be together?
Does it take the possibility of having cancer for people to value the time they have? Life is so short. Tomorrow, I may… well, I may not have a tomorrow. So, let me love you for today, for this moment.
“…Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every hour has come to this
One step closer…
I have died every day waiting for you.
Darling don’t be afraid
I have loved you
for a thousand years
I’ll love for a thousand more.”