Yesterday I was full of resolve. I awoke with a burden lifted, feeling calm and free. Today, I am destroyed… crying for three straight hours, just beside myself with I-don’t-know-what; perhaps sadness, maybe fright, definitely doubt.
I started the day off crying and didn’t stop for three straight hours. A good friend talked me through one of those hours. I love my friends.
Funny thing is, before I told them what had happened and opened myself up to their help, the BF and I mused that I had no good friends. He has several good friends he can talk to, and did before I “found out,” yet my “oldest and dearest” friend pretty much snubbed me when I told her what I was going through and asked for her help. Needless to say, I no longer count her as a dear, close friend.
Well, he and I were both wrong. This morning, I heard from all the wonderful women I told, through IM, email, text and phone calls. They all said, “I am here and I am available if you need me.” I’m tearing up just typing this.
Anyway, I guess it hit me this morning because He was supposed to come in to collect a few things. The anxiety from the thought of seeing him, and what had I done? to change our lives and break up our little family? what have I done? It was too much, overwhelming.
He’s now come and gone. We texted the whole time. He left me a note saying it felt strange but good to be here and that just being here made him less anxious.
I wonder if, some time in the future, he’ll realize that this is his home. That his choices (though he doesn’t know it yet) have lost him his home, and his family. He texted “Your house is cozy.” I wonder if he’ll come to realize that it’s cozy here because his stuff his here, we are here, he has had good memories here and love and laughter here and….
and, when, if he leaves (I still hope), I wonder if he’ll also feel what I feel — separation anxiety.