There can be no doubt that all trust is gone from this relationship. (Ironically, he trusts me even less than I trust him.) Still, one must start with a little bit of trust if there is any hope of rebuilding.
I am highly emotional tonight as I write this (he says I only operate on emotion. I say he’s an asshole for saying that) because there is always something “new” to find out. Of course, all these books on affairs will tell you I’m obsessing… oh well, so tonight’s not such a good night.
I go through my mind and wonder what, in the past four years, has been the truth and what a lie. Has there been, in the past month, complete honesty since the truth was revealed? What new promises were kept; which were already broken?
It is almost too much to ask a person to live with this uncertainty. How does one live thinking that, perhaps, the entire world is false? It is too much.
I wrote this tonight ‘cuz I can’t sleep, though I’m utterly exhausted from nearly five weeks of little sleep and a virus that’s attacking my lungs. The virus is nothing compared to the sadness.
I see the words from your mouth
perhaps not real at all
i hear the sounds of your voice
but they are silent
you speak with reason
sane in your words
and in your thoughts
but truth has no place
in the content
of what you say
i believe with faith
stupid in my trust
and in my confidence
for truth has no place
in the spirit
of what you say
I guess it’s not done yet, but I am so very tired.. in body and spirit. I guess that means it’s time to sleep.