This afternoon the BF and I will have our “talk,” when he’s gonna tell me what he decides. Yup… I put the ball, the racquet and everything else, in his court. He gets to decides whether he wants this relationship to continue.
Ok.. so you may think I’m naive or stupid or both. Why should he get to decide when he’s the one who cheated? Well, pretty simple really..
I have already decided. I decided what I can and cannot live with. I have decided on what my guiding principles are.. first and foremost, complete and total honesty. I have always been an honest person, even when it’s to my detriment. I can’t live with lies because, frankly, they’re confusing, and I don’t have the patience to deal with that shit. not very insightful, just… lazy, I guess.
Through this process, so far, I have also come to realize the person that I am. I AM made of a very strong moral fiber, but I am also very open-minded. I CAN be very flexible, but not when it compromises my principles. I believe in truth, equality and the American way, which I think is mostly independent thought. I am one of the nicest, most supportive people you will ever meet. And, though I haven’t gotten there yet with Him, I can be forgiving. But, I am not stupid nor will I stand for anyone abusing me or mine in any way. And, no.. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up yet because I am only now beginning to remember how to dream and aspire and be inspired again.
So, back to the beginning. This afternoon, He will tell me what he has decided: what kind of person he is, what his guiding principles are. And, he will tell me if he thinks what he has decided about himself will mesh with I have decided about myself, and if we can then begin to build a really good life together or if we will now say “good-bye” as significant others and “see ya later” as friends.
Whatever his decision, whatever the outcome, there will be Changes. And, as we all know from reading self-help books, Change is good. I could be gripped by fear right now because change is frightening, or I could be giddy with expectation if I knew there was going to be a positive outcome.
I am neither. I am.. here.. waiting, wondering. at times, scared, at times, hopeful. Until that moment he walks through my door, I will keep telling myself, “Change is Good.”